Prison Life (con't)

Before my incarceration, I did not live a life of crime.  I always supported myself and was taking RN classes.  My bouts with alcoholism did cause me to lose some jobs, but I always pulled myself up and got another one.  As the years went by, the alcohol and oxy's became more and more of a problem.  With addiction, you think you have it under control.  You think your doing fine, when in reality you are sinking to the bottom of the pit.  Your brain never catches up with the reality.  The neurons are now wired for addiction and it becomes your life.

Back to prison life.  In prison I walk the straight and narrow, but I can tell you that I have learned more criminal tricks than I would ever want to know.  The officers focus on the petty things, you learn your way around them.  Prison teaches you to always be suspicious, paranoid and to never trust anything.  You may be doing everything right but you never know when an officer is having a bad day and will take it out on you.  Having an officer yell at you in a condescending manner when you have done nothing wrong is very humiliating and demeaning.  It happens all the time, but oh we are supposed to come out of here with our self-esteem intact, our soul intact and be a productive member of society.  Where is the rehabilitation?  Where is the interest in helping us when we transition back into society as most of us will do at some point.  I am a very strong person who has taken full advantage of this time to work on myself, my spirit and my failings.  I have grown and changed.  I have a mom who supports and loves me.  Many woman in here don't have that.  They came in here broken and they leave broken.  When you spend years and years in such a negative environment, only the strong survive. I am and have always been determined to be one who survived this horrible ordeal.  I am not saying I did not do things to get me here because of my addictions, but I did not deserve a 20 year sentence.  There are women in here who have done much worse than I and either have less time or the same time.

So, what did I do.  It is difficult to talk about because it seems like a million years ago and a whole other person.  Who was that person?  How could she have been me?