My Addiction

I am sure everyone who reads this is wondering what I did to get here.  That is coming but first you need to understand my addiction and addiction in general.  We can be addicted to all sorts of things.  You can be addicted to food, to sex, to power, to exercise, to cigarettes.  You can become addicted to almost anything.  And that addiction has a life of it's own.  It drives you.  It consumes you.  It takes away your discernment, your common sense, your self-esteem, and changes the wiring in your brain.  That addiction becomes more important than anything else; more important than you, more important than your family; your children.  You lose yourself and the ability to see outside of that addiction.  It makes no sense, it has no sense and it destroys you and everything around you.  Addiction, for me, was about pain-a way to escape.  Alcoholism runs in our family and alcohol was my drug of choice.  People have said I was the worst alcoholic they have ever seen.  I was not a daily drinker but a binge drinker.  I could go for a time without drinking but that demon always caught up with me.  If you have ever tried to quit smoking then you know how powerful addiction is.  For an addict or alcoholic times that by 100 or a 1000.  You cannot reason with an addict.  You cannot shame them into quitting, you cannot guilt them into quitting. 

During the years, I made several suicide attempts. I have been to psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors and put on every anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, upper-downer and so forth-none of it helped me at all and sometimes made me feel worse. 

During this time, I always had a job.  I lived in Puerto Rico for a time and managed a humane society.  I became a vet tech as my passion is animals.  I could always live but I could never heal my insides.  I always wanted to leave earth.  I just could not get comfortable in my own skin.  I moved to Florida from the West Coast-an alcoholic-worked two jobs successfully as manager of 2 animal hospitals and met a man.  I became pregnant at 28.  We were pretty stable as far as living goes, rented a house, had 2 cars and 2 dogs.  I was so happy to be pregnant.  I was RH- and had 4 miscarriages prior.  I quit drinking all through my pregnancy and breast feeding.  I thought I had kicked alcoholism.  I had not drank in 2 years.  I could probably pick up a drink and be able to control it right?  I was back into full-blown alcoholism.  They say alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease.  I drove drunk with my daughter in my car when she was a little over a year and I got a Felony DUI.  What I did that day, I feel so ashamed of.  How could I do that?  I never thought I would become a mother like that-ever!  Drove drunk with my child.  That is so F-d up.  I was not aloud to be alone with her on my own for 30 days.   Until the courts decided what to do I started AA, was sober again.  My boyfriend started resenting me going to AA and we argued about it and he ended up finding another woman.  When I found out I drank Nyquil that night and drank liquor the next day.  I drank and OD'd on 200 Tylenol PM.  My sister found me almost 2 days later half hanging off of my bed-naked, vomit everywhere.  I had drank a gallon of liquor.  She thought I was dead.  I was rushed to the hospital-too late to pump my stomach.  My liver was protruding from my body and I began to swell.  My mom flew in from California as she was told I was on my deathbed.  ICU watched me as 200 Tylenol PM processed through my liver.  I had also aspirated my vomit resulting in pneumonia.  I lived (obviously) but there were countless times ahead of that same scenario.  I went to California to live with my mom and her husband to try and get help.  When I relapsed I felt like my world was over.  I had failed worse than anyone could ever fail.  That feeling of doom-of extreme doom.  I lost everything, my life, my child, my job, my child's father-everything.  So much shame.  I hated what I did and became what I hated.  I had nothing left to live for.  My time in California is a blur-an alcohol blur.  I went to bad places, I lived in the woods for a time.  I became dirt-scum.  A true piece of shit.  I was missing for a few days and my mom went looking for me and found me unresponsive and again I was rushed to the hospital and was on my deathbed from alcohol poisoning.  Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.  I am a disgusting alcoholic.  I drink until death.  I sit in my own vomit and feces for days.  Why I did not die over and over again is beyond me.  The paramedics were called numerous times; I was Baker Acted numerous times (psych ward). 

That is enough for today.