Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The Beginning

We have decided to do a daily blog instead of a weekly blog so more tomorrow.

Ok, so let's start this blog. : )  I didn't even know I was going to do a blog.  I offered to write a weekly - whatever - on my mom's site, www.inmateslivesmatter.net and she decided to create a blog which I think is a great idea.  It will give me the inspiration to talk to the world about prison-the good, the bad and the ugly.  When I go back in time, pre-incarceration, I didn't give much thought to women in prison; except watching reality lock-up shows on TV.  Orange is the New Black did not exist then.  I don't know what I would have thought crossing paths via the world-wide web with a prisoner-the lowliest of the low as far as society is concerned.  I might have thought that too.  I don't know.  Would I have cared as much as I'd like to tell myself  I would.  What I can say is that we are "out of sight and therefore out of mind", which society finds much easier to deal with.  So, here I am, a prisoner, crossing your path.  How do you feel about that?  What are your perceptions about incarcerated women?  One of my goals, and I know one of my mother's goals, is to try and change a negative perception-not necessarily to a more positive one, but to a more realistic one.  After all, we are mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, nieces and even grandmothers.  In short, we are human beings just like you.  I never ever thought I would be in this situation.  My goal was to exit this world.  Well, the universe or God or whomever, had different plans of which I am grateful for.  Not grateful that I am in prison, but grateful that I was not allowed to follow through with my plans to exit this world.  Being incarcerated has changed everything-the whole game.  And I don't know who that woman was anymore who wanted to leave this world.  Well, I do know why she wanted to leave and I also know that she was a very lost soul who had no idea who she was.  Incarceration has given me the opportunity to find that out; and to continue to find that out.

I had a traumatic childhood like a lot of women in here.  Mom shared a synopsis of it on the website.  My mom had her own trauma that she was dealing with in her life, and still deals with.  I don't think you ever truly heal from childhood trauma but you do learn better coping skills and that you can find happiness-not in a person or a situation, but within you.  I would have to say for the most part, I have found that contentment and happiness within me and it is something I try and connect with everyday.  I don't always succeed, but I always try.  I also always try to come from a place of love-which sounds kind of hokey but I don't know what other term would suffice.  The broken women in here deserve that-some more broken then others.

Anyway, my childhood.  My mother was married 5 times and had 6 children from 4 different fathers.  I was her third child.  During a severe mental breakdown when I was 5, my mother sent her children to their fathers. Before that, unbeknownst to my mom, I had been sexually abused by a family member.  I went to live with my Dad-who always seemed angry and with my step-mother who resented raising me and my sister as she was not able to have children of her own at that point.  It is a long convoluted story about my upbringing with them-not a happy place. Mom basically lost custody of my sister and I and we were not encouraged to see her or to think positively of her.  We were told many untruths about her.  When we did visit her we had to call her Kathy and even though we would always have a good time with her we knew that when we got home, we would have to say how horrible she was.  The main theme of my childhood was that I was unwanted and no one could deal with me.  I ran away from home for the first time when I was 11.  I was mentally, physically and emotionally abused on every level-as was my sister.  I was very sad my entire childhood and attempted suicide for the first time in 5th grade-one of many, many to come. 

I wasn't a bad kid.  I was highly gifted.  Straight A's.  School was the only place I received positive feedback.  I would live with my mom on and off after my dad and step-mom got divorced but I was so damaged that I was always angry, never wanted to follow rules and would end up leaving.  One time when I was in a group home-I was about 12, my mom found out and took me out of it and my father sent the police to take me back to the group home.  I started cutting at 13, to distract me from the emotional pain.  My Dad finally let my sister and I go live with Mom and her husband when I was 15.  Like I said, I was damaged.  I graduated from high school and then went my own way.  I admitted myself to a psychiatric ward when I was 18 because I wanted to commit suicide.  It wasn't that I wanted to die so much, it was that I just wanted the pain to end.  I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder but never really got any help.  Emotional pain that never ends is probably why most people commit suicide.  Depression is a black hole that you can never seem to find your way out of.  So you find ways to numb yourself and that is a whole other story.

I have a sad story, but there are women in here who have sad, sad, sad stories.  Sending love and light.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Coming Soon

My daughter Sadie will start a weekly blog about life incarcerated; addressing the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual starting Dec 1, 2016.  Inmates do not have access to computers so my daughter will be sending me written weekly blogs that I will then post. The blog will also include letters she has written me over time, her spiritual thoughts and so forth.