Appeal, Medical and More

 Mom-I have been recuperating from hip replacement surgery so trying to get back on track with blog.

The compound is in it's own little world-officers yelling, inmates yelling.  I am waiting for the answer to the appeal of my 3850 (ineffective counsel).  I pray every day-not for the right answer but for my greatest good.  Me and my higher self got me here for my greatest good-to grow, to learn, to face my demons and to become Sadie and for that I am grateful.  But 20 years I did not deserve but who knows what my Higher Self and Higher Power have in mind.  It's not about "getting out of here" (tho that would be nice).  It is more about continuing life in the free world with an entirely new outlook.  I have never been more clear about what it is to LIVE than I am now.  I get beside myself just imagining all of the accomplishments I want to make and to do it all with the peace I have found within-something I have never experienced before.  My life does and will have a new perspective and meaning.  I spent most all of my life trying to end it one way or another whether it was drugs, alcohol or suicide.  Now I truly want to live my life and, of course, to help others. 

I finally get it.  Human life.  And honestly, it doesn't even matter if I leave prison to live the way life is meant to be lived.  It is about the journey within.  It doesn't matter where you are geographically.  It matters who you are and who you are becoming.  I just want to feel life on the outside again with this whole new feeling and clarity.  It is going to be an entirely new world for me.  My gratitude factor is through the roof.  I cannot wait to smell things again, flowers, dirt, trees, babies, puppy breath, the ocean.  Like food cooking or real coffee brewing, the smell of rain.  All the things we take for granted.

Today has been difficult as my head and neck have been hurting all day.  They finally did an ultrasound on my heart a couple of weeks ago but I have not heard the results.  Medical here is a joke.  It is where people die.  I would tell you about the deaths here but I would probably get put in confinement.  I talk to friends here that have been orderlies in medical for years and I could tell you some serious shit.  So today I have been feeling out of sorts.  I don't like feeling not on point.  The last thing I want is for DOC to take care of me. 

Oh, I can hear them passing mail.  That is the best part of our day sometimes is mail call.  It sort of lets you know that you are loved and cared about.  There is no worse feeling then feeling like you have been forgotten about by the world.  Once again: out of sight, out of mind.  So, if any of you know someone incarcerated, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, send them a card, pictures, a postcard or even better a magazine subscription.  Everyone loves to hear their name called.  There are women here who never get their name called.  More than sad.

Next blog will be about prison rumors and gossip.