Today was truck day. Our canteen truck delivers to every store. It's a long day. I usually unload the entire truck. Heavy work. I cannot recall on the outside when another adult was "out for me". I guess it could happen in jobs but most situations on the outside you have more options to deal with someone not liking you or actually out to hurt you in some way. Well, it happens a lot in prison. The officers here are just regular people-no special training or advanced courses. As I have explained before, it is not a difficult job to get and the new ones get younger and younger. Most now walk in at 18-babies.
I go through periods where an officer will not like me. There is no good reason for it. In their minds I am sure it all makes sense to just hate someone for no reason. Or, they have already made an opinion of me that they won't let go of. I have a few constant "haters". All 3 are women my age or older. All 3 barely ever smile and they speak to inmates disrespectfully. I often wonder if they get tired of hating people for so much of their time during the day. These 3 I have become accustomed to them harassing me, making sideways comments at me or just talking shit to my face. I NEVER speak disrespectfully or sideways back. If I do respond I stay calm and intelligent. Each on of them have called me names, accused me of doing something I am not or just plain won't help me when I need them to do their job.
So, recently one of them took my friend to jail. She said my friend was being disorderly. Every girl who worked with her that day said she didn't do anything. The Sgt. wrote her a D.R. (disciplinary report) and had it served to her in jail. When you get served a DR, they schedule a hearing and in a week or two you will be cuffed from the cell and go in front of admin and plead guilty or not guilty and plead your case. If they find you guilty they will decide a punishment depending on your history and severity of the DR. Usually it is D.C. time which means jail time, usually no more than 30 days. So, this sergeant who does not like me, took my friend to jail-lied about what she did on the DR. All her inmate co-workers wrote witness statements and in a week it went to hearing. They threw out the DR and let her go "free". While she was in jail this sergeant took one of my uniforms from me, harassed me at my job and laughed at me when she saw me in a bigger uniform she had given me. The officer who worked with this sergeant also called me a "hoe", threatened to go to admin and take my job. She actually did go to admin and made things up so my canteen would get searched which I don't care. I don't do dirt. I told the story in an earlier blog but it upset me so much that it is hard to let go of.
One of the hardest things in prison is to be chastised by another woman your own age, disrespected by them and talked to like you have no value and you have to take it without being able to say anything. I am not saying all of us inmates don't say anything-a lot of them here are a bit "unruly" and will talk back and then off to jail they go-but I won't no matter how badly it hurts. I just won't. I like my job and I have value. I am a woman who has worth even if I am in prison. And no matter where I am, even if in prison, I choose to love myself and love them. I feel sad that women feel that it's ok to hurt another just because of the uniforms they wear. I have been braving this harassment for awhile now. And now my friend beat the DR and is out of jail and they take it out on me. I have never talked out of turn or disrespected an officer. I have never been in trouble. I have had a canteen job for 3 years. You have to be clean and out of trouble to do that. The behavior is starting to wear on me though. I don't want to run from it but I really wish I could go to a prison where they at least focus on bringing us up-not tearing us down. I won't break. If I didn't break in the Naked Place, I won't break now. (She is referring to jail when she first got arrested and had cut both arms from wrist to elbow and then tried to hang herself in jail. The Naked Place is where they put you on suicide watch and you are naked.)
I am simply trying to live as normal a life as I can in prison. Why do officers choose to be so harmful. Don't they realize this is our home now? There is no solace, no comfort, no place I can go here for peace. I have found the only place for that is within. When I am doing yoga I am at peace and I am free.
It is so weird because my family and I just want women to feel loved in prison; to have something to do and find some peace and love for themselves. My family has donated, tried to get programs started here, are attempting to meet with state representatives and we are just trying to get colored pencils so we can color (no crayons allowed). I am appalled at the behavior of the staff here and shocked by the lack of compassion and concern for our daily lives. It is a small group of inmates who actually took someone's life and maybe, in you eyes, don't deserve peace-but in my perception, from a loving heart and a child of the Infinite Light (God) I believe every woman here has a right for the opportunity to feel loved and supported. And Love doesn't live here. Compassion doesn't live here. Only malice.
If you met me you would wonder why anyone could find a reason to treat me like I am nothing-of no worth. Because we are inmates we have lost the right to be treated with kindness and as equals. We have lost our right to be human-to feel. We have lost our voices, our identity and we are doing time without encouragement to come out better than when we came in. And to add to all of that we are harassed, disrespected, yelled at. We are their entertainment to do with whatever they feel for the day. It is truly a sad existence. I applaud every woman who can stand up and block the negative and find a path to constant self-improvement. Our spiritual journey on earth is to experience all avenues of human-ness and to constantly be in a state of learning and growth to be the best person we can be each day. It is a difficult hill to climb.
The thing is it doesn't have to be this way. We can model prisons after Germany and the Netherlands where prisoners are valued, rehabilitated and given hope. And until the people on the outside rise up and decide to care about us-care enough to help us-prison will continue to be a sad and damaging place and inmates will keep coming back because they leave more damaged and then face so many obstacles to be able to survive on the outside, especially if they have no support system. It's just a revolving door. Most leave here tormented and bitter. Why is this allowed? And these women will one day be your neighbor. Don't you want them to come out healthy, happy and rehabilitated? Our justice and prison system is a tragedy-a horror story and we continue to turn a blind eye-out of sight; out of mind.
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