Custody Level, Choices and a Transgender Captain

This week has been good.  I live for doing yoga, being outside and I got a lot of that time in. I am a hippie at heart even though I did not live in the 60's.  I love the earth so much and appreciate being outside even if it is just some grass and sky.  The earth is amazing an alive.  I feel my best outside.

So, I found out my custody level dropped this week.  I don't get into trouble and I have had the same job for 3 years now.  I have approximately 11 years left if I don't win my current appeal.  I am now a 3-2.  Remember the first number is your custody (1 lowest-5highest).  A 3 means medium security and the second number is your housing level.  I am not sure what a 3-2 really means as far as what more I am able to do but I do know that if I had a job that needed to out of the gate 10 (employee gate) that I could now go out it.  You are still behind fences but less fences if that makes any sense.

What this all means is that opportunities open up to be able to go to other places.  Now I could go to other (better) prisons, or different programs maybe.  It all means I am getting closer to home!!!  : ).  I didn't think my custody level would drop anytime soon but it did.  My goal is to get to the work camp with the dogs at the dog program (I worked as a Vet Tech for years).  It's all I want to do.  Canteen is not where its at.  Everyone wants to be a canteen worker.  I do it because it keeps me busy but it is not what everyone thinks it is.

It is hard to look back at my life now that I am in prison.  I am not ashamed anymore, regretful yes, but now it's more of a quick shock.  I have moments of clarity-how the hell did I get here?  In freakin' prison!  So it brings you back-taking a look back how everything we do is a choice.  EVERYTHING.  The smallest things we do are all a choice.  And every small choice we make creates the bigger choices and results in experiences that sometimes we don't want to admit we created.  I created this experience.  And I still shake my head sometimes looking around at a place so sullen, so bleak, so angry and so out of control and inconsistent.  Who thought up prison anyway?  You should check out the prisons in Germany (mom has a link on her website www.inmateslivesmatter.net).  Now that's rehabilitation. 

I spoke with an officer today and he said that this is the worst place he has ever worked.  We have 4 shifts with 4 different captains who do 4 different things.  We inmates have to learn the nuances and expectations of each shift so we know what we can do and cannot do.  NOTHING is ever the same.  Like tonight-we know we can hang our laundry to dry in our cells from paper clips and that the cell doors will pop open at 3:15 am to start showers.  Our sergeant wants all mop buckets and brooms in the closet to be locked up over night and she won't bother us about petty stuff.  Now the other night shift-completely different!  We can't stand it.  Don't hang clothes.  Don't have anything out.  If it is not stored in your locker it is getting taken.  Lights on all evening until 11pm and doors pop at 5am so everyone has to cram showers by 7am (80 people).  One night relax-the other night don't relax.

Few days later:

The last few days have been hard.  I have been "taunted" by an officer.  I won't use the work hara--ed cuz if we use that word here we can end up in confinement.  It is a female officer.  She called me a "hoe" and threatened to take me from my canteen job.  This all started when I asked the laundry workers where one of their co-workers was.  The laundry sergeant took her to jail for no good reason-so we were all joking lightly about it.  The officer who started in on me wasn't even the one who took her to jail.  She started going off-"if you gonna be INDIRECT then I'm right here".  She started in on the whole "I'll be the one".-she'll remove me from my canteen job.  How I am a hoe who knows better and I better not be indirect because she is the wrong one to be indirect with etc. etc.

I didn't say a damn thing back.  She went crazy and the workers said she was still going off back at work.  Then later in the evening I was coming from my store after a  long long day with truck deliveries and she was coming down the center walk and I attempted to keep my eyes down and walk right by-NOPE-she headed straight for me.  Mind you this is hours later.  She started in again.  That I better be careful who I speak around that I can call my mom, grandma or aunty cuz she don't care cuz she had a boss in admin and as dirty a I am in my job-she knows everything and she'll take me down etc.  I said to her that I believe she is mistaken about the kind of person I am.  She didn't let me talk and kept putting her finger in my face telling me to stop looking at her all crazy, etc.  I just shut up and let her do her thing.  Basically her rant said, if I call my mom she will do everything in her power to take my job. 

I have had enough with this compound.  She was belligerent, rude, downgrading, excessive and threatening.  I better watch out?  For what?  I didn't do anything to this woman.  And if you all knew what really goes on with these so-called officers and sergeants up at laundry you wouldn't believe that someone in a "professional" position is allowed to act like they do.  The sergeant calls me a chick and won't give me the proper clothes for exchange if anything.  I have been down 5 years and I have never gotten a towel from laundry.  Not one.  I always have to buy a towel off of someone.

It is amazing how much we learn to take here.  I never in my life thought I would be yelled at so close spit was hitting my face-being put down and not allowed to say a word.  They say that inmates get institutionalized.  The staff does also.  They spend 20 years here-12 hours a day.  I see them talk to families at visit just the same way they do inmates.  I am appalled at the staff behavior here.  I have NEVER been in trouble on this compound.  I have a job and have had it for 3 years for a reason.  For her to tell me I'm dirty and make accusations to try and scare me is absurd, unprofessional and immature.  Where is the understanding and compassion here?  I have NEVER disrespected any staff member or inmate.  It is sad that no matter how good I am, I am always reminded that I am nothing more than an inmate.  I need to get off this compound and go to a better prison. 

Another issue has arisen.  We have a partial transgender captain.  We have watched this woman in the past few years go from officer to captain and at the same time go from a woman to a man.  She has had her breasts removed and has a mustache.  There are many lesbians here and everyone else is very open.  I mean really-we are the ones in prison so nobody is judging her.  In the last year her appearance looks completely like a man.  You would not know she was ever a woman.  When I was in PREA (falsely-another story) I would watch out of my cell door-when a girl got pepper sprayed-they have to be on camera the whole time they are cuffed and brought to the shower.  When the girl gets in the shower the women officers stay and film and the male officers leave.  This almost transgender woman leaves with the men.  So, we all started thinking she had the surgery.  So, we ask the other officers how are we supposed to address her "yes ma'am" or "yes sir".  Nobody can tell us!  So some have asked her and she said she doesn't care.  We are so confused!  So then this girl I live with comes in-she is an orderly for the confinement dorm.  The orderlies have to be stripped in and stripped out for the job to make sure they are not bringing in contraband.  They have to get naked, check their mouth, breasts, bottom of your feet and then bend over, spread and cough hard 3 times (I have to strip in and out for my job also-it SUCKS!)  So, she comes in and starts telling us what happened to her for the day and tells us that this particular captain who looks just like a man has stripped her out 3 times in two days!!  What?  None of us knew she was doing that or was allowed to do that.  The girl asked the LT about it and he said that she was hired as a woman so she can do all the woman duties until we have to address her as a man.  So it confirmed that she has not had the surgery-but we find it totally inappropriate.  This isn't a butch woman.  She takes testosterone, has a mustache, no boobs and acts and sounds just like a man.  She is a step away from having a penis.  If a new inmate did not know they would be freaking out getting stripped out by a man.  What the hell is going on?  The focus of this prison is so backward and so wrong.

We don't have anything to look forward to when we wake up.  My motivation is to be my best; but not everyone feels that way.  Most wake up to join the drama of the day.  This compound needs to change.  My friend's sister just died at 52 of liver disease.  She did not receive anything; no grief counseling, no chaplain, no "I'm sorry your sister passed".  Women in here deal with things all on their own.  She is distraught, upset and she still has to wake up everyday to insensitivity, go to work, not get paid, put on a smile and think about her sister later.  Love and compassion do not live here.  No wonder nobody sticks together in prison.  It is not even organized chaos.  It just is what it is.  We have a senator coming.  Will he talk to any of us-NO!  We will be locked down until he leaves.  The staff is scrambling right now to make everything look good.  Out of sight, out of mind.

When I get out of here I am going to get into the political arena-become an activist for women in prison and make a difference for inmates and families.  I won't be afraid.  I won't care what people think.  I will do what is right.  And I promise you I will have paid my dues with a 20 year sentence.  If any of you are concerned if we are being punished enough-we are.  Every minute of every day.