The rumor today was that we were going to start having chicken strips for chow. Rumors can be hilarious around here cuz we're women and boy do women love to gossip. Me, being a canteen worker, I hear it all. They come to me with the silliest things. Each day has it's own rumor. Rumors get the girls all razzed up; keeps them feeling alive. Hey, nothing else going on.
Sometimes girls will start rumors just for entertainment and see how it turns out by the end of the day. A lot of times the officers start rumors like they are leaving the institution but it is only that they are really going on vacation. They like to see how quickly it spreads.
The greatest rumors are the ones that get started by the smallest detail. I could get called to admin. There are different reasons why someone would get called to admin. It is where the colonel's office is, the wardens, assistant warden and so forth, but if you get called there it is usually not good. No one likes being called there. So, say I get called to admin as a canteen worker and just walking through the admin door rumors will start; "did you see her go to admin?" or "she's been in there a long time."
Here are the various things that will rumor around when you get called to admin.: 1. she's snichin', 2. they caught her with cigarettes 3. she's getting UA'd 4. she probably suckin" someone's _____. 5. they are firing her from her canteen job 6. she's going to jail cuz someone wrote a request on her 7. her mom called and they are putting her under investigation 8. she's been in there too long now so she is definitely snitchin'.
In all reality I got called down there for a request I wrote about not getting the proper medical care and they were following up on it-or something like that. But all day those rumors will fly. It's hilarious because deep down they know they aren't true. So today's rumor was chicken strips for dinner. Everyone got all excited and worked up over chicken strips! NOT. NOPE. Never happened. The whole rumor was that the other compounds have gotten them and we just haven't gotten them yet. That tickled me today. The things we believe because we are so hungry for change; for something different on the compound instead of shopping, smoking and fighting. Everyone is watching for the next big thing they can get excited about. Best thing to do is stay away and don't get involved and focus on yourself or your life will be one big disappointment after another.
I learned this in prison: as soon as I start focusing on everyone and everything around me, listening to conversations, watching what they do then it is my first indication that I need to re-focus on myself.
It is kind of weird because I am highly aware on the outside. I am always aware of my surroundings, knowing what is going on around me, etc.. Prison teaches you not to be aware; to tune everything out, but to be aware in a different way-aware of the guards and white shirts, but not to pay attention to each other. It is hard to explain. What I can tell you is that when I get to the free world again it is going to be a challenge readjusting to where my awareness should be. Like on the outside you would want to notice someone getting hurt so you can help, call police etc.. Here you better not see it and if you do you dare not say anything. It messes with your mind and your decision making process. I can definitely see why impressionable people, or people who never knew better don't adjust. One again it comes to rehabilitation (none) and programs (lack of). There isn't anything here to reconstruct people's brains to leave here confident and productive. And the people who do leave here and never come back are very strong people and probably have a lot of family support on the outside and made a change within themselves while they were here. But there is nothing in prison to facilitate that change in a positive way. You definitely have to be goal-orientated and have a focused mind to find a path of growth on your own and even still you will learn convict ways for survival. It just is.
Everyone starts talking about the New Year after the holidays. What the new year might bring. Last year was supposed to be the year of jubilee. A lot of people did go back to court though. I hope at some point I am one of them. There appears to be a lot of talk about prison reform and attempts at prison reform that will hopefully make a difference. It honestly does not take 20, 30 years to feel remorse and to realize the consequences of your actions and to change your brain. Most crimes are drug-fueled, mental health issues, domestic violence (battered women) and being caught up in the wrong crowd and being there when someone else committed a crime. I am not making excuses but if you knew the women here you would feel as I do that most of them have learned and just need to go home to their children and their loved ones. Prison puts a hardship on everyone; the children, the loved ones in every way; financially, spiritually and emotionally.
As hard as my mom works on her mission to help inmates it is heartbreaking for her to have found how difficult it is to find people who care. When it comes to helping children, people are eager-same with vets and so forth. I totally get that. I wish I could be out there helping also. But when it comes to helping the mentally ill, drug addicts, alcoholics or prisoners, people are just not eager to help. I can understand with us prisoners. We broke a law, committed a crime and disregarded society, our family and ourselves. Does that mean we don't deserve forgiveness, rehabilitation, compassion, love, support? Most of the women here didn't have that in the first place. Some of their childhoods and backgrounds are horrific. I wish all of you could get to know some of the women here so you could see that we are not the worst thing we have ever done. We are all so much more than that.
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