My sister and niece flew from California to visit me. How amazing is that? I am very blessed to have the family I do. My father passed when he was 58 years ago. I have sisters and a brother-some closer than others but we all love each other deeply. My niece is 15 and has Downe Syndrome and I haven't seen her since she was small 13 years ago. She was amazing. She is a cheerleader at her school. She didn't want to leave me when they left. Family is so important. Family strength and unity is even more important. My daughter and mom came too. All of us were saying our good-byes-one starts crying (my daughter) then we all start crying. All I wanted to do was go with them. I should be with my family-my daughter needs me now more than ever. She is 15. It is so hard to keep our heads up sometimes. Saying good-bye to my precious family really puts you back into some serious feelings of shame and guilt. Who got me here? I did. What a piece of shit I am for doing this. As smart as I think I am, I couldn't have dealt with my depression another way? It took me a long time to feel any self-worth again. And it was with NO help from any programs or staff in prison. It is hard to look at them walking out the door and I have no choice but to stay here and accept my life. I am sure it is hard on them also. I am sure it is hard for them to love me sometimes. It is all very painful. This has affected my mom the most-physically, emotionally and financially. She is on a fixed income but makes sure I have everything I need to make life here a little more bearable. A lot of women here don't have that which is why mom tries to get summer and winter packages for indigent women (www.inmateslivesmatter.net).
What I have learned is that I cannot sit in that pain. I can visit it but I have to re-center and keep my balance within myself that I have now. It is just lately so many things seem to be happening around me and it feels like something is coming to a head. I don't know if I have shared that I am extremely sensitive to energy-people's and animals (I worked as a vet tech for years). I can feel energy en masse. Some people don't understand energy but we all contain energy-everything does. I just happen to be sensitive to energy which in turn means I am a very sensitive person emotionally. I used to deny my sensitivity but I have learned to accept it and embrace it. So the energy I sense lately I can describe as "gathering"-like information and energy is gathering up so much that it has no choice but to explode. You can feel it building in the environment. When I feel this I go inside myself as a form of protection. I stop interacting so much with people and stay within myself. It is the best way to stay centered in a time like this. I am not sure if anyone reading this can relate but that is my experience. I think prison in general makes you hyper-sensitive. Most people I am around don't understand and call me weird or brush me off. Everyone loves me when I am my peppy, positive self, but when I start talking about energy or spirituality they tune me out. It all just sounds weird to people who haven't ventured yet to discover truly what life I about. I have a human side and a spiritual (or soul) side. My human side feels like a piece of shit for getting myself in prison and messing up my families life. My spiritual side understands that this is what life is-experience-and my duty to my higher self is to learn from each one and grow as a spiritual human being-period; to be the best I can be at every moment. I just refuse to believe that I have 12 more years in this place. I refuse to let the harm of it seep into me. My family is the greatest thing in my life and keeps me motivated to keep pushing all the way through this enormous experience of PRISON LIFE. I will be free one day-at least I can say that. There are many women here who will not and will live here until they die. Thank you Lord and I pray for all the lifers greatest good. It is difficult not to be sad for them. Most don't deserve a life sentence (see U'Dreka's story below).
Boy am I in my feelings tonight.
U'Dreka's Story
Dear World,
I am a 28 year old young woman who has been incarcerated since I was 17. I was sentenced to life plus 40 years without the possibility of parole or a chance. The sad thing about it is I did not kill anyone and did not have the intent to hurt or kill anyone. The state sentenced me on the Principle Theory because I was there at the crime scene but too scared to call for help and get the police on the gunman whom at the time was my abusive 21 year old boyfriend and best friend. He also got 3 life sentences. But at the time I did not know what to do so now I am sitting in prison for the rest of my life because I didn't call the police. This has to stop. There are so many women here with me facing just as much time as I am for some of the same reasons with no help or support from the outside world. This is my life.
Donald Trump is president! Just sounds so insane. I mean really? Now, I do not know him-he could be a wonderful person but my intuition tells me we are in big trouble. He has no experience in politics-that could be good and not so good. Time will tell. That being said it is still crazy that Donald Trump is our president. Is this where we are as humans? I mean no one realized that Bernie Sanders was the best man for the job and would have won if Hillary and the DNC didn't steal his nomination. The system has us with out noses glued to electronics, trying to survive financially that we stopped paying attention. We believe what the media feeds us. Time to wake up.
So here we go. The good thing is people are waking up spiritually everyday-humans realizing that we have got to unite and change things ourselves. An awakening is happening and that is very exciting.
On the other hand....... People found something to protest about-Donald Trump. Never mind protesting about homelessness, poverty, low wages, the drug epidemic, the broken criminal justice system, the abuses in the prison system and corporations profiting off of prisoners while you pay taxes to support us here. Let's not protest pipelines or fracking or war-no let's protest Donald Trump after he already won. Go figure.
All I can do is send him love and light and hope that the people behind him who really control the country have good intentions. The president is supposed to bring the country together. Maybe that is the build-up of energy I was feeling-all the chaos around his presidency. God Bless America.
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