Canteen, Parole, Taxpayers, My Life

Well, since I have been back in canteen I've been way more exhausted.  Canteen is no joke.  I get up at 4am just to have a good shower and my work day is not over until 7pm.  So writing takes some motivation.  I really like this new compound though.  The shopping is different.  The inmates are less demanding and they have more shopping opportunities so the stress level is down. 

My bunky who was above me went home. I love seeing women going home.  It gives us long-timers hope and strength that we can keep doing our time and that it will end one day.  It wasn't good the way she left tho.  A lot of the compound is addicted to suboxone.  She had been doing suboxone heavily for some time.  She had probation check-in the next day after release.  The crazy thing is that she was talking about doing so good and not using.  How crazy is that when you are high your entire prison sentence?  I mean somebody has to really want to change and do better but at the same time how does someone do eight years in prison and not get any help?  This place is so warped.  That is a perfect word to describe prison and DOC-WARPED!  Department of Chaos.  These women leave worse than they came in.  I can only imagine what phobias, paranoias and PTSD's they have after doing a long sentence.  In prison 8 years isn't even considered a long sentence.  We don't consider someone a long-timer unless they have 15 years or more.  There are several women here who have been down 30-45 years and have more to go.  Most will die here.  Parole won't even let them out.  My good friend has been here 34 years-has life.  She knew about her boyfriend who had killed another man and didn't report it.   She is here for murder with life.  She has been up for parole 3 times.  She is a model inmate and  parole denies her every time.  You don't think 34 years is enough time for a woman for a murder she clearly did not commit.  Craziness of the system.  Throwing people away.  She is 65 now and prison is really wearing on her.  She has done her time.  She has earned her life in the free world back-PERIOD!  And parole can look at her and say no.  Now they don't even have parole anymore.  She was one of the last women that was eligible for parole.  What the hell is wrong here?  I can promise you the larger majority of women here are of no danger and the messed up thing is they are not taught any freakin" skills and they will have no clue about the world.  The world will have passed them by on every level.  Who is going to ensure their success?  So, to not deal with that the system keeps them here and you the taxpayer fund our living in prison.  You pay our rent.  Shouldn't you also have a say in how it's run?  It costs less money to fund someone for college for a year than it does to pay for our incarceration.  And we cost more when we are in confinement.  So, you have all these young women smoking, fighting, shopping and getting high learning not a damn thing.  Great system, huh? 

Now I found out I can't transfer to the smaller prison I want to go to because it is a faith-based institution.  I can put in a good behavior transfer but can't go there.  Messed up.  I don't want to transfer to other prisons as they are very far away from my mom and daughter and our visits would be much less.  So now I am forced to stay at the worst prison.  At least this compound is better than the one I lived in next door.  But still, I want to move on.  The prison I want to go to has more to offer.  So for now I have decided to stick it out here on this compound in canteen for a few years.  By then my custody will hopefully lower to where I can go to the work camp and work with the dogs.  It is amazing for a prisoner like me who wants to grow, learn work, improve, be constructive and productive has no way to execute her goals.  I just have to work with what is given.  So far it's been my canteen job-nothing else.  I have been in canteen for 3 years.  I just want to do something more fulfilling.

I just sit here on my bed and watch a verbal argument between two people which turned into an argument between 4 people.  Over what?  Boots and shoelaces!  Petty stuff.  The officer just watched from the bubble.  Nobody cares.  The staff is just here to do as minimal as possible.  And the women are here to focus on each other.  It usually does not turn out well.

On the brighter side, my mom told me that Ben & Jerry's is actively supporting prison reform.  How amazing is that?  I hope they help get attention.  We need it!

Our captain just came in.  We have been on water restriction-not sure why but it means that we can't use the showers.  Well, it's been about 6 hours so we will "bucket up" if we have to which means we fill a bucket from the drinking faucet and go into a shower stall and sit there and wash ourselves.  While my friend was "bucketing up" and the captain (female) came to do her walk through, saw her and reamed her out!  A female cussed out a way older female for bathing in a bucket!  Such disrespect.  Who cares if we bucket up to keep clean.  We need to bathe.  And we keep going on water restriction and we don't know why.

I am sitting here with 20 years and I did not hurt anyone.  I am sitting next to a girl who beat her husband with a brick and killed him.  She got 25. 

I miss life.  I miss my daughter.  I miss my family.  I crave my freedom.