Someone said to me, "Had you made better choices, you'd not be in prison." My first response I had to skip because it was to kick him in the balls which would be a bad thing. My second response, slightly more appropriate so I went with it. "Thank you very much Captain Obvious, so glad to see you've not lost your keen powers of observation, jackass!" I replied, only I didn't say jackass though I wanted to! The reality is that I know that poor decision making led me here. I had... a richly impressive #dumbassattack, so here I sit. Crazily so many people focus on the past, which cannot be changed versus looking to the future, which is still on deck and as impressionable as a toddler. Instead of trying to look for ways to prevent recidivism which in many cases could be as simple as being there to encourage, mentor or just be part of a support system, folks zero in on what was done to get in prison. Yes I committed criminal acts. Yes I put myself in this position. But acts performed during the darkest days of my life does not mean I am only that. If you consume alcohol 1% of your lifetime, are you a drunkard? If you crash a car one time in your life are you a driving hazard? Of course not! I don't mind being seen as someone who once made poor decisions that is true. But do not define me as that because I am so much more, as are other incarcerated individuals. Everyone stumbles; if you find someone down, help them up so they may see we are not alone in this.
Anthony Jason Machicoté
In prison it gets dark sometimes. Most of those locked in hold to much pride to admit this, so they push it deep within, hiding it so far inside that the pain almost goes away. Almost. But the reality, my lord, is something so disheartening that those not forced to endure the ugliness of incarceration can't begin to fathom the feeling. I'd love to lay down an analogy that painted a picture so vividly folks would just get it, but I lack the aptitude to convey it properly. To m...e, it's like being a ghost. You reach out to people with few responses. You don't get to participate in life as everyone else does. You watch as those you love move on, the world never stopping for you. Basically prison feels like a living death, where your ghosts haunt the life you once lived and those you once loved. This reality is handled differently by those of us inside. Some folks lash out at family and friends, like some poltergeist throwing around angry emotions, accusations and the like. Others try expanding their support system, hoping that a new cast of characters in their world will help them feel alive again. Many go within focusing on memories of days they can no longer hold to keep them somewhat sane and feeling whole. Sadly you have those few who simply give up, giving into the pain until it eats at them like some disease leaving them empty within. From there they become ghosts of their former selves or even end their lives to end the pain. I know that you all don't get to see this perspective of prison living out there, but this is the reality. I share this hoping that those of you who have friends and family boxed in will become more active in their lives because we are all impacted by this and we are all in this together. You can be that much needed bit of sunshine to someone inside, because no lie, in here, it gets dark sometimes.
#prisonerslivesmatter
Anthony Jason Machicoté
Tears trickle
July 2012
Tears trickle incessantly,
Standing on the ledge...
Knowing pains that crush
All hope from my soul.
Though I love you, I trust you,
Believe in and miss you,
Who can care?
What God, what being
Can let me suffer
When I live sincere,
But so broken inside.
Tears trickle incessantly,
My days all pain,
No respite to see,
With my heart drowning
In rivers of sorrow
That flow minus pause
Still, who can care?
What God, what being
Can let me suffer
When I live sincere,
But so broken inside.
Tears trickle incessantly,
A flurry of solitude
Devastating the optimism,
The dreams and faith
In love that just misses
The bliss I seek out.
Still, who can care?
What God, what being
Can let me suffer
When I lived sincere,
But so broken inside.
Anthony Jason Machicoté
Like a psychological wrecking ball, prison shatters the false ideas we held about just how consequential we are to the world we once existed within. Prior to these handcuffs, arraignment and sentencing, each of us imagined that those we interacted with on the regular would notice our absence, and stay connected were we unlucky enough to see prison. "Because they are important to me, I am important to them." So we believe, only to find out all to soon, that is not the case. Friends fade like smoke trails jets leave in the sky, not swiftly but gradually until where they once stood only memories exist. Family support deteriorates slowly, like rust eating away at metal until you look up one day to notice the hole where they previously existed. In the end you learn just how significant you truly are as the loneliness from isolation does it's damnedest to drown you.
Anthony Jason Machicoté
Prison is tough. It's not necessarily the environment, which tends to be a high concentration of negativity with little benefit as a whole. What makes prison hard is the isolation. Being taken from the lives of those you love- mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, children, lovers and friends. It is being deposited hundred of miles from the people who define you and being shelved for a length of time determined by someone who only knows you from the worst periods of your life. This person could care less about whether you better yourself, nor are they even bothered if those you love become estranged. Isolation breeds a sort of insanity, yet prisons whole premise is isolation. So, if you know an imprisoned individual... Reach out to them. A small gesture can make an epic impact.
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Anthony Jason Machicoté
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