Yay! I got moved to another dorm on the Main-mostly long-timers and lifers-and air conditioning!!!! It is the only dorm besides the pregnant dorm that has air. All the others have fans and windows. Crazy huh? Gets hot and humid in the summer. It has taken me a minute to acclimate to my new dorm but it is a whole other world-sort of. One good thing is their are NO gates to go through so the guards can't mess with me like they did before trying to get to my canteen job.
This compound is completely different. I didn't realize how stressful the other compound was as I have never been anywhere else. If they ever try to put me back on the other compound-won't go!
Oh, guess what? We actually got new spicy chicken patties on the chow menu. It wasn't chicken strips but it is something different-the rumor came true :). Amazing-things are looking up. I am back in open bay (had a cell before) which is ok. I have a great Bunkie. My upper Bunkie is going home in 7 days. She did 18 years. My Bunkie to my left is going back to court for resentencing. My Bunkie to upper left goes home in a month )young girl-22. My bunkies to my right are long-timers and a bit crazy (years in prison changes your brain)-but quiet. We have 86 women in here and 9 showers-that's the most annoying thing a shower is hard to get because of so many women. But now that I am running a canteen again on the compound I am hardly ever there. And now I get to cook again. I can make any meal with a microwave (in my canteen). I feel happy and relaxed right now. I have a new store and I have been working canteen for 3 years. New compound, new dorm, new people, no gates; stress is minimal. I still have a transfer pending to a smaller prison closer to my mom. Of course, all the officers are still the same. I know all of them. They are a little more relaxed on this compound. They all know me so they don't mess with me much.
Don't get me wrong. They are still strict and so forth but the difference is the inmates don't fight it here. They don't fight the changes and the inmates aren't as stressed.
They just opened a new wellness center here and don't have much equipment so mom is trying to get donations (www.inmateslivesmatter.net).
There is still petty stuff going on. Last night a sergeant of ours who doesn't like "studs" ("boys") saw a stud and a girl horseplaying. He decided to take the stud to jail for assault! The girl who was horseplaying also wrote a statement and said they were just horseplaying but nobody cared. So, there is still bullshit that happens. Officers can still do whatever they want to ruin your day but it is just easier to deal with in a less stressful situation. Or, is it that each year that goes by the things I see and experience start to seem normal or I just get numb. I have developed an issue in the past couple of years of not liking to be touched. We have such a lack of physical touch here (love hugging my mom tho). We don't shake hands with officers and are not allowed to touch each other like a hug or normal touching-like putting your hands on someone's shoulder for example. So the lack of human contact creates a guard you don't realize is being built up-mine is getting worse. I don't like it if someone brushes by me and I flinch if someone touches me and I instantly wonder why they touched me. I know it sounds bad but these things happen to you while incarcerated that are unconscious. Behaviors are created that I believe eventually result in PTSD. This is where programs and classes that help you stay connected with the world and "normalacy" would help.
I still haven't heard the decision for my post-appeal yet. A longtimer today who has done 20 years got picked up for court today. She has life and they might resentence her. There are a lot of people going back to court. Gives me hope.
I have accepted my time. I might have to do it all. It is hard to think my free-world life won't start until I am 54. I look at women in here who are long-timers and learn how to do my time. I know I have the motivation to start over at 54. I can do it. Mom will be 80 if she is still here but I have siblings who I know will help me.
I think the thing I look forward to a lot-one I never thought would be on my list of wants-I miss loving. I mean I love myself and all my faults. I work on me every day. I also give love every day. I share my love with everyone just by being positive and compassionate-but I miss being in love with someone. It is something that does not happen in prison. I don't care if you are gay or not-falling in love is not going to happen in prison like in the free world. It is way different. There is always hope in people's hearts that they will go home someday-even the lifers-and if that ever happened they would leave everything and everyone in prison. So, "being in love" in prison is not realistic. I just feel so good about who I am now I really truly cannot wait till I get to live again-to live fully and joyfully. I stopped trying to convince myself that life can be lived in prison. It is the hardest thing to live fully and it will NEVER be a full thing. It is what it is. But what it can do is give you an opportunity to explore yourself-which in turn is what life is. Life is everything-to feel, explore, breathe, appreciate and that can't really be experienced here. The environment of negativity and concrete is not conducive to that. Prison is for improvement and becoming whole then life can be lived totally different when you get out. I feel for the people who won't ever go home. They appear to have no reason to change and grow and most of them don't. They have no incentive. I know a lifer who killed her 3 kids and she is one of the few I know who deserves to be in prison for her entire life because she has never taken responsibility for what she did. She still calls it an accident. So, people like her need this time to fix herself on the inside and not put other people in danger.
I am rambling a bit tonight. Today I have been inside myself-feeling a bit distant. It is hard to miss life so I don't think about it much but when I do it is so difficult and I just shut down. I don't want these prison behaviors and phobias to seep into me. I want love and affection from my loved ones on the outside. I don't want to feel paranoid all the time-you never know when an officer is going to have a bad day and you happen to be the target. I cannot wait to just truly relax-to be able to breathe.
No comments:
Post a Comment