My Story in a Women's Prison: April 2017

Friday, April 28, 2017

Canteen, Parole, Taxpayers, My Life

Well, since I have been back in canteen I've been way more exhausted. Canteen is no joke. I get up at 4am just to have a good shower and my work day is not over until 7pm. So writing takes some motivation. I really like this new compound though. The shopping is different. The inmates are less demanding and they have more shopping opportunities so the stress level is down.

My bunky who was above me went home. I love seeing women going home. It gives us long-timers hope and strength that we can keep doing our time and that it will end one day. It wasn't good the way she left tho. A lot of the compound is addicted to suboxone. She had been doing suboxone heavily for some time. She had probation check-in the next day after release. The crazy thing is that she was talking about doing so good and not using. How crazy is that when you are high your entire prison sentence? I mean somebody has to really want to change and do better but at the same time how does someone do eight years in prison and not get any help? This place is so warped. That is a perfect word to describe prison and DOC-WARPED! Department of Chaos. These women leave worse than they came in. I can only imagine what phobias, paranoias and PTSD's they have after doing a long sentence. In prison 8 years isn't even considered a long sentence. We don't consider someone a long-timer unless they have 15 years or more. There are several women here who have been down 30-45 years and have more to go. Most will die here. Parole won't even let them out. My good friend has been here 34 years-has life. She knew about her boyfriend who had killed another man and didn't report it. She is here for murder with life. She has been up for parole 3 times. She is a model inmate and parole denies her every time. You don't think 34 years is enough time for a woman for a murder she clearly did not commit. Craziness of the system. Throwing people away. She is 65 now and prison is really wearing on her. She has done her time. She has earned her life in the free world back-PERIOD! And parole can look at her and say no. Now they don't even have parole anymore. She was one of the last women that was eligible for parole. What the hell is wrong here? I can promise you the larger majority of women here are of no danger and the messed up thing is they are not taught any freakin" skills and they will have no clue about the world. The world will have passed them by on every level. Who is going to ensure their success? So, to not deal with that the system keeps them here and you the taxpayer fund our living in prison. You pay our rent. Shouldn't you also have a say in how it's run? It costs less money to fund someone for college for a year than it does to pay for our incarceration. And we cost more when we are in confinement. So, you have all these young women smoking, fighting, shopping and getting high learning not a damn thing. Great system, huh?

Now I found out I can't transfer to the smaller prison I want to go to because it is a faith-based institution. I can put in a good behavior transfer but can't go there. Messed up. I don't want to transfer to other prisons as they are very far away from my mom and daughter and our visits would be much less. So now I am forced to stay at the worst prison. At least this compound is better than the one I lived in next door. But still, I want to move on. The prison I want to go to has more to offer. So for now I have decided to stick it out here on this compound in canteen for a few years. By then my custody will hopefully lower to where I can go to the work camp and work with the dogs. It is amazing for a prisoner like me who wants to grow, learn work, improve, be constructive and productive has no way to execute her goals. I just have to work with what is given. So far it's been my canteen job-nothing else. I have been in canteen for 3 years. I just want to do something more fulfilling.

I just sit here on my bed and watch a verbal argument between two people which turned into an argument between 4 people. Over what? Boots and shoelaces! Petty stuff. The officer just watched from the bubble. Nobody cares. The staff is just here to do as minimal as possible. And the women are here to focus on each other. It usually does not turn out well.

On the brighter side, my mom told me that Ben & Jerry's is actively supporting prison reform. How amazing is that? I hope they help get attention. We need it!

Our captain just came in. We have been on water restriction-not sure why but it means that we can't use the showers. Well, it's been about 6 hours so we will "bucket up" if we have to which means we fill a bucket from the drinking faucet and go into a shower stall and sit there and wash ourselves. While my friend was "bucketing up" and the captain (female) came to do her walk through, saw her and reamed her out! A female cussed out a way older female for bathing in a bucket! Such disrespect. Who cares if we bucket up to keep clean. We need to bathe. And we keep going on water restriction and we don't know why.

I am sitting here with 20 years and I did not hurt anyone. I am sitting next to a girl who beat her husband with a brick and killed him. She got 25.

I miss life. I miss my daughter. I miss my family. I crave my freedom.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Beautiful Writings From A Young Man in Prison

Someone said to me, "Had you made better choices, you'd not be in prison." My first response I had to skip because it was to kick him in the balls which would be a bad thing. My second response, slightly more appropriate so I went with it. "Thank you very much Captain Obvious, so glad to see you've not lost your keen powers of observation, jackass!" I replied, only I didn't say jackass though I wanted to! The reality is that I know that poor decision making led me here. I had... a richly impressive #dumbassattack, so here I sit. Crazily so many people focus on the past, which cannot be changed versus looking to the future, which is still on deck and as impressionable as a toddler. Instead of trying to look for ways to prevent recidivism which in many cases could be as simple as being there to encourage, mentor or just be part of a support system, folks zero in on what was done to get in prison. Yes I committed criminal acts. Yes I put myself in this position. But acts performed during the darkest days of my life does not mean I am only that. If you consume alcohol 1% of your lifetime, are you a drunkard? If you crash a car one time in your life are you a driving hazard? Of course not! I don't mind being seen as someone who once made poor decisions that is true. But do not define me as that because I am so much more, as are other incarcerated individuals. Everyone stumbles; if you find someone down, help them up so they may see we are not alone in this.

Anthony Jason Machicoté

In prison it gets dark sometimes. Most of those locked in hold to much pride to admit this, so they push it deep within, hiding it so far inside that the pain almost goes away. Almost. But the reality, my lord, is something so disheartening that those not forced to endure the ugliness of incarceration can't begin to fathom the feeling. I'd love to lay down an analogy that painted a picture so vividly folks would just get it, but I lack the aptitude to convey it properly. To m...e, it's like being a ghost. You reach out to people with few responses. You don't get to participate in life as everyone else does. You watch as those you love move on, the world never stopping for you. Basically prison feels like a living death, where your ghosts haunt the life you once lived and those you once loved. This reality is handled differently by those of us inside. Some folks lash out at family and friends, like some poltergeist throwing around angry emotions, accusations and the like. Others try expanding their support system, hoping that a new cast of characters in their world will help them feel alive again. Many go within focusing on memories of days they can no longer hold to keep them somewhat sane and feeling whole. Sadly you have those few who simply give up, giving into the pain until it eats at them like some disease leaving them empty within. From there they become ghosts of their former selves or even end their lives to end the pain. I know that you all don't get to see this perspective of prison living out there, but this is the reality. I share this hoping that those of you who have friends and family boxed in will become more active in their lives because we are all impacted by this and we are all in this together. You can be that much needed bit of sunshine to someone inside, because no lie, in here, it gets dark sometimes.
#prisonerslivesmatter

Friday, April 14, 2017

Summer Packages for Indigent Women

I started a GoFundMe for summer packages for indigent women. I did it last year for the summer and winter packages and was able to get packages for 7 indigent women. Unfortunately, my family were the only ones that donated. If you don't feel comfortable with GoFundMe, you can go to my site www.inmateslivesmatter.net and either donate directly or I have a list of 25 indigent inmates from different facilities and I can email you their information. They really need toiletries since toiletries for indigent women are thru donations which are sometimes scarce. Also, radios are much appreciated. The packages also have clothing, hygiene and food. The first day to order is May 31. You have no idea what these packages mean to indigent women.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

New Compound, Chicken Strips and Thoughts on Life

Yay! I got moved to another dorm on the Main-mostly long-timers and lifers-and air conditioning!!!! It is the only dorm besides the pregnant dorm that has air. All the others have fans and windows. Crazy huh? Gets hot and humid in the summer. It has taken me a minute to acclimate to my new dorm but it is a whole other world-sort of. One good thing is their are NO gates to go through so the guards can't mess with me like they did before trying to get to my canteen job.

This compound is completely different. I didn't realize how stressful the other compound was as I have never been anywhere else. If they ever try to put me back on the other compound-won't go!

Oh, guess what? We actually got new spicy chicken patties on the chow menu. It wasn't chicken strips but it is something different-the rumor came true :). Amazing-things are looking up. I am back in open bay (had a cell before) which is ok. I have a great Bunkie. My upper Bunkie is going home in 7 days. She did 18 years. My Bunkie to my left is going back to court for resentencing. My Bunkie to upper left goes home in a month )young girl-22. My bunkies to my right are long-timers and a bit crazy (years in prison changes your brain)-but quiet. We have 86 women in here and 9 showers-that's the most annoying thing a shower is hard to get because of so many women. But now that I am running a canteen again on the compound I am hardly ever there. And now I get to cook again. I can make any meal with a microwave (in my canteen). I feel happy and relaxed right now. I have a new store and I have been working canteen for 3 years. New compound, new dorm, new people, no gates; stress is minimal. I still have a transfer pending to a smaller prison closer to my mom. Of course, all the officers are still the same. I know all of them. They are a little more relaxed on this compound. They all know me so they don't mess with me much.

Don't get me wrong. They are still strict and so forth but the difference is the inmates don't fight it here. They don't fight the changes and the inmates aren't as stressed.

They just opened a new wellness center here and don't have much equipment so mom is trying to get donations (www.inmateslivesmatter.net).

There is still petty stuff going on. Last night a sergeant of ours who doesn't like "studs" ("boys") saw a stud and a girl horseplaying. He decided to take the stud to jail for assault! The girl who was horseplaying also wrote a statement and said they were just horseplaying but nobody cared. So, there is still bullshit that happens. Officers can still do whatever they want to ruin your day but it is just easier to deal with in a less stressful situation. Or, is it that each year that goes by the things I see and experience start to seem normal or I just get numb. I have developed an issue in the past couple of years of not liking to be touched. We have such a lack of physical touch here (love hugging my mom tho). We don't shake hands with officers and are not allowed to touch each other like a hug or normal touching-like putting your hands on someone's shoulder for example. So the lack of human contact creates a guard you don't realize is being built up-mine is getting worse. I don't like it if someone brushes by me and I flinch if someone touches me and I instantly wonder why they touched me. I know it sounds bad but these things happen to you while incarcerated that are unconscious. Behaviors are created that I believe eventually result in PTSD. This is where programs and classes that help you stay connected with the world and "normalacy" would help.

I still haven't heard the decision for my post-appeal yet. A longtimer today who has done 20 years got picked up for court today. She has life and they might resentence her. There are a lot of people going back to court. Gives me hope.

I have accepted my time. I might have to do it all. It is hard to think my free-world life won't start until I am 54. I look at women in here who are long-timers and learn how to do my time. I know I have the motivation to start over at 54. I can do it. Mom will be 80 if she is still here but I have siblings who I know will help me.

I think the thing I look forward to a lot-one I never thought would be on my list of wants-I miss loving. I mean I love myself and all my faults. I work on me every day. I also give love every day. I share my love with everyone just by being positive and compassionate-but I miss being in love with someone. It is something that does not happen in prison. I don't care if you are gay or not-falling in love is not going to happen in prison like in the free world. It is way different. There is always hope in people's hearts that they will go home someday-even the lifers-and if that ever happened they would leave everything and everyone in prison. So, "being in love" in prison is not realistic. I just feel so good about who I am now I really truly cannot wait till I get to live again-to live fully and joyfully. I stopped trying to convince myself that life can be lived in prison. It is the hardest thing to live fully and it will NEVER be a full thing. It is what it is. But what it can do is give you an opportunity to explore yourself-which in turn is what life is. Life is everything-to feel, explore, breathe, appreciate and that can't really be experienced here. The environment of negativity and concrete is not conducive to that. Prison is for improvement and becoming whole then life can be lived totally different when you get out. I feel for the people who won't ever go home. They appear to have no reason to change and grow and most of them don't. They have no incentive. I know a lifer who killed her 3 kids and she is one of the few I know who deserves to be in prison for her entire life because she has never taken responsibility for what she did. She still calls it an accident. So, people like her need this time to fix herself on the inside and not put other people in danger.

I am rambling a bit tonight. Today I have been inside myself-feeling a bit distant. It is hard to miss life so I don't think about it much but when I do it is so difficult and I just shut down. I don't want these prison behaviors and phobias to seep into me. I want love and affection from my loved ones on the outside. I don't want to feel paranoid all the time-you never know when an officer is going to have a bad day and you happen to be the target. I cannot wait to just truly relax-to be able to breathe.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Inmate Concerns and Former Inmate Experiences

This is a list sent to me of inmate concerns by inmates:

Inmates Concerns

1. Medical is deliberately indifferent to treating prisoners to save money. Medications and

diagnosis is not done. It is only if you have family to fight for you that you might get something
done. Dr. Rodriquez is head of medical and promotes this behavior.

2. Officers need to be psychologically evaluated for their abusive behavior. Abusive officers are promoted.

3. Bad behavior by inmates is rewarded by staff. Positive behavior is not reinforced by staff.

4. Chow hall food portions of vegetables are never the correct amount. Vegetables are served

frozen and too cold to eat. Dishes and cups are not washed properly. Milk and juice is
watered down to where you have vitamin loss and never get the full cup of milk or ½ cup of
juice that is on the menu. Mr. Corn has been the Food Director for years and allows this because he gets a bonus if he saves money.

5. Women are over-looked for programs; especially those with long sentences.

6. Have to have money to purchase hygiene. The state only supplies one small tube of

toothpaste and a hotel size bar of soap and one roll of toilet paper. If you need more toilet
paper or soap it is hard to get even though it is supposed to be on a as needed basis. This
doesn't happen and grievances rarely work.

OTHER CONCERNS

Women are different then men and that has never really been addressed. Also, women are less likely to leave prison and commit violent crimes. Most of us would be good candidates for parole but we need a chance. Some women have living death sentences with no possibility of parole or early release. To keep people locked up in the US costs 80 billion. In Europe most life sentences run 20 years because they believe in reform, that people can and do change and can be given a second chance.

Prison has become a business and police unions fight initiatives to lower sentences because they do

not want reduced prison populations for job security reasons. Prison is based on profit-not reform.

1. Re-enact Statute 944.30 (written to provide any person sentenced to 40 years plus and had served 10 calendar years with good behavior had the opportunity to be recommended by DOC
for commutation of sentence (for non-capital felonies)

2. Actually reinstate parole-people who have done 10 years or more on a case by case basis (still profitable as you have monthly fees)

3. Sentence reform. Many sentenced under Jim Crow laws-violation of civil rights. Sentences are disproportionate to the crime

In the end prisons are not cost effective nor does it accomplish a better society for the offender and the community.

Average Clemency hearing takes 5 to 6 years and most are denied. Clemencies should be heard within 2 years and if denied there should not be a waiting period. Why are so few clemencies
granted? Is it about profit?

Experiences of Former Inmates

“Straight from EXPERIENCE your right that officer is a real piece of shit ...she told me I didn't matter to nobody that I was just like the dog shit on the bottom of her shoe!! And y'all all it does is make is worse on the inmate if family calls and complains” (referring to Sergeant C)

“Man she nasty as hell. I was just there. Got out in February. She is one of the nastiest black officers there. She don't care about nun cuz she been there so long she know they not gone do nun. All she do is sit on her fat ass. But plz be careful. Retaliation is real at Lowell. She can b in confinement for up to 60 days. N they can also ship her if they feel like she's a problem for their staff.”

“I don't know her I don't think because I left there in 2014 to go to work early but tell her on the annex the best thing to do is mind yer business and keep your nose clean. Don't let them affect her just keep your head high and when they holler inmate keep walking because it's 1,500 walking around in blue and when they address you as inmate you don't know who you're talking to I never turn around until they say my name I know how sorry that Sergeant C is she's a nasty nasty b**** and I feel so sorry for your daughter that she's been pegged as her person to pick on cuz she's brutal but has your daughter told you if you do call up there they will retaliate and putting her in confinement under investigation and they could leave her in there for up to six months for no reason with no shampoo it's awful”

“I came home from Lowell's main unit and work camp June 3rd 2015 I only served an 18-month sentence so while I was there my first day walking into the prison I went to the Guard Station to figure out which bed was mine and I saw this girl giving the male officer head under the desk the first 10 minutes I was inside the prison I observe several guards having sex with the female inmates I was there when the two officers murdered the girl in confinement one of my bunkmates was having an affair with the assistant Warden that place is horrible they treat the women like we are third personal prostitutes and if we don't do what they want us to they take us to confinement for whatever they can find its a very sad unprofessional place 3 out of 5 guards are having sex with inmates or making them have sex for money they are beating and hitting the inmates they use slander and call you anything you want I ever watched a male guard spit in one girls face because she asked for toilet paper something needs to be done it's by far the worst thing I've ever seen”

“I would have to write a book to tell you everything I went through however I do not let it affect the choices that I make for the rest of my life I have extreme severe anxiety and PTSD I have to take 1 milligram Xanax a day 1.5 milligram Klonopin at night and I have to take ADD meds as well that prison really messed me up and I can say this the officers that they hire to so-call correct us are so corrupt and a lot of them are in jail I know one that was really really nasty to her that molested a seven-year-old boy and he's doing 40 years now”

“I did 7 years and I can't explain what it has done to me. I don't take meds but god I need them. Trying to do all that I'm doing does not hide how I actually feel inside when I'm all alone. There's days that make me wonder if I can continue. My mind never leaves that place and the degradation that I endured. But also there isn't a single soul that would understand that's in my life thus far. Everyone's proud no doubt of the accomplishments but that doesn't change what I go through on the inside. The whole system is far from justice or rehabilitation. It's mind and soul changing and nothing for the better.”

“Well I lost a lot when I went to prison,i did not see my family for the whole four years ,so I was very lonely an to top it off no one really help for the first part of my time I did laundry just to have soap to take a bath,then my husband decided to come back in the picture an help me a lil my kids were to lil to help an I cried so many nites because I had no one an now that I'm free I'm not really free on the inside, I'm a 50 year woman with no career, no job,a n barely have somewhere to stay because I had to come back to my husband an he don't abuse me on mentally an it's hard ,,, I still cry an think how prison took my life away an I still have not got it back all because I was money hungry,now all I do is pray that I do find a job an be independent without anyone but it's hard with a criminal record ,, everyone thinks your the same an I'm not,,,it changed me in so many ways some good some bad because I have a lot of hatred now especially for authority because Lowell is run by a bunch of ass holes an if your not one of their picks you gonna do some hard time,,,just like a few years ago when Sadie got in that fight in O dorm an went to lock it was not her fault but she went to confinement an like everyone says if u say something your going to confinement,i never went ,,I did my time by myself,i did not have many friends an it was probably because I had no money,. I don't want to bore you anymore but thanks for listening.

“and if she uses names over the phone she is likely to go under investigation. which means lock the most inhumane thing known to an inmate in prison. It happen to me several times. Even the girl killed in there for reaching out to inmates went no where. Once your behind those doors your lost in the system. Even calling they give you no information or they make worse on the inmate to the point that one will tell there family to just leave it alone. I have a best friend still in there with a life sentence. I go through it with her every day. She is having such a hard time, but when we talk everyday we are careful to what we say in fear of her going under investigation. Her mother has two weeks to live and if she went they wouldn't even let her call home or have visit even under the circumstances.”

“But as far as I was concerned, it was state sponsored verbal, sexual, emotional and physical abuse

I am a former "resident" of the LCI work camp and suffered a dislocated and severely fractured arm. They ignored all of my requests and grievances for medical care. The injury happened in 2012, I was released in 2014 and finally had surgery in December, 2015. Couldn't get help immediately because I had no health insurance. Then when I got insurance through my employer, no one would see me because of the history of the injury. Had a friend who spoke with his orthopedic surgeon and he agreed to see me. He was amazed that I had lived with the pain for so long because of the severity of the injury. All three bones were not aligned, the end of the humerus was pulverized, and both the ulnar and radius were fractured. There was so much corruption at the Work Camp. Inmates giving oral sex for cigarettes and drugs. A female officer was fired for having an affair with an inmate from the dog program, medical care was refused over and over again. I spoke with Julie Brown from the Miami Herald and unless an officer was willing to talk with her, she wasn't interested. I've spoken with numerous attorneys, many who I wrote to while I was still there, and haven't found anyone who wants to represent me with a suit against the state. I've been employed at the Doubletree by Hilton Tallahassee, where many of our Senators, Representatives, and Lobbyists stay. Needless to say I would love to talk with them but can't because of my job. I am very respected at the hotel, currently considered a supervisor, and right now filling in as the Night Auditor while waiting to hire additional staff. If I can help you in any way, please let me know.

I lost everything, my parents are deceased, my sentence was ridiculous for the crime I committed (taking windows from a vacant house ... that's another story from someone who was respected in my community). Our judicial system is horrific! But the system gets $$$ for all who are sentenced. I have been a guest speaker at FSU, and at several association board meetings. Please keep me posted.

She called me a whore when I was there. So uncalled for. (referring to Sergeant C)

He's the one that punched my friend in the face because she would'nt allow her girlfriend to have sex with him. (referring to the officer interviewed by Julie K Brown)

It's really is hopeless..complaining will only get your daughter in more shit..i was there I 2013 had a guard run me down n put his face so close to mine that are noses touched as he screamed n yelled n belittled me as I did nothing because I was afraid of going to lock..i wrote home n a week later I was locked up in confinement under a protection investigation because my mom called to complain n threaten to start an investigation from Tallahassee and They can take months to resolve n the whole time you never leave you get stuck there in a cell for doing nothing wrong,taking showers every three days no day light.. be careful how you go about doing this ma'am trust me your daughter will be the one to suffer..

I was at Lowell CI for a year and a half. In the time that I was there multiple inmates died due to medical neglect, abuse and one girl was actually strangled by an officer that she filed a grievance against for raping her. When an officer hits an inmate, they just get moved to another compound. If an inmate gets pregnant then she gets moved into confinement on another compound and after she gives birth the officer is allowed to return to the compound. I myself spend over 60 days in confinement because an officer was making sexual advances and would call me into the officers station in the middle of the night. He would bring me in there with all of the lights out and everything. He got to stay on the compound while I was in confinement. I never saw anyone about why I was in there. When Warden Gordon would come by I would try and talk to her and she would just say that it was not her problem. To talk to my classification officer. Whom I could never get to really talk to. I ended up being released from confinement only because I grieved classification using chapter 33. I never even saw the investigator and ended up back in the dorm where that officer worked. The going's on at Lowell CI are out of control. The drugs aside because you will find them anywhere, things are so corrupt. Women are forced to cut all their hair off because they are black and it is not in "natural" braids. You are forced to go without TP or pads because you are not willing to pay the costs. You will be called out and bullied because they think it is funny and you have to just stand there and take it because otherwise they can put you in confinement and accidentally "lose" all your stuff. Confinement is the worst. You can only shower 3 days a week and only with the tiny bar of soap they give you because for some reason all of your stuff is contraband. Even your shampoo and soap. If you are DC you are not allowed to have any sort of reading materials, not even religious materials. No matter where you are at, don't piss off the wrong officer. They will tear apart everything you own and take most of it calling it all contraband. Even your pillow. The few things that you do have to keep you from going insane there are things like the rec yard or the library. Also things like meetings and what not. These are all privileges and not ones that they like to give you. They will do anything to keep you as miserable as possible. We had times when we were in count time for 2 hours and would not be allowed to get up and go to the bathroom and would get a CC or a DR if we tried. (CC is corrective consultation like detention. DR is a disciplinary report like being suspended). All of this does not come close to the whole picture of Lowell CI, but after everything I went through there, it is all I am willing to relive at this moment. My prayers are with all of the women still there and their families.

this place is hell on earth and just because you are in prison gives no one the right to treat you like a animal! I spent 2 yrs of my life there for a crime that I did not do... Never been in trouble in the 50 yrs of my life but 3 months in florida I find myself in the worst trouble and end up at Lowell annex where I was called a crack whore by the guards and staff,laughed at when I was in medical, called a liar,pos, I was faking my illnesses ect... IT NEEDS SHUT DOWN ....No one is blaming the staff they are just stating facts here ..I don't do drugs, not a hooker,thief and surely never done a thing to wind up there but, the justice system there is surely not justice!!!! Guards use the woman there a sex slaves and if you don't do as they say you end up dead...