Amanda's Story

Allie's Story

Marion County sheriff’s detectives are asking any other potential child molestation victims to come forward.

Marion County Sheriff's Office detectives believe a 34-year-old man arrested Wednesday on child molestation charges may have abused other children as well and are urging any victims to contact them.

The suspect, Lt. Keith Mitchell Turner, was one of four Lowell Correctional Institution corrections officers accused by lawyers in the Aug. 21 beating of an inmate that left her paralyzed.

That incident is still under investigation, but following the arrest, Turner is losing his job with the Florida Department of Corrections.

"The Sheriff's findings in this case against Mr. Turner are abhorrent and in complete contrast to the values and integrity held by our staff," Secretary Mark S. Inch said in a statement issued Thursday. "We are moving forward with his immediate dismissal."

Turner had been employed by FDOC since 2004, except for a voluntary separation of 11 months in 2006 and 2007.

In the child molestation case, Turner is charged with sexual battery, lewd or lascivious exhibition, and two counts of lewd or lascivious molestation.

On Aug. 8, detectives said they received a report concerning sexual abuse after a girl told a family member about repeated abuse over several years that began around 2012, according to Turner's arrest report. The child was 6 to 8 when the abuse allegedly began.

While investigating the case, detectives learned of second girl he may have sexually molested.

They contacted the second person and confirmed that Turner had committed crimes of a sexual nature against that child, the report says.

Turner was being held in the Marion County Jail Thursday without bond.

During their investigation, Sheriff's Office officials came to believe there may be more victims.

As for the Lowell incident, the Florida Department of Law Enforcement is investigating the alleged abuse in which 51-year-old inmate Cheryl Weimar was severely injured. She and her husband have filed a lawsuit in the case.

The amended complaint cites "Turner's violent, threatening, and abusive conduct towards women based on dozens of inmate complaints against him" in describing him as a "risk to female inmates at Lowell CI."

"I'm just speechless," said John Vernaglia, an attorney with the Andrews Law Firm in Tallahassee, which filed the lawsuit.

"It's a very sad day, he said in a written statement. "Our thoughts are with the child victims as they seek to heal from this tragedy. I hope there is as much support for these victims as there has been for our client."

"I'm saddened that innocent children had to endure the abuses this monster inflicted, and I'm most happy with an arrest," said Debra Bennett, a former Lowell inmate who has organized protests in support of Weimar. She hopes Turner and the other corrections officers are arrested over Weimar's case.

Vernaglia said Thursday that Weimar — who was hospitalized for a time — is at an FDOC reception center in Lowell. Although Weimar is doing a lot better, he said, she is still "in a lot of pain." He is hoping to move her to another facility so her condition can improve.

Under Florida law, mug shots of law enforcement officials can be exempt from public records. This case, however, involves an exception, MCSO spokesman Sgt. Paul Bloom said.

"The need to find other victims and protect other victims outweighs any protection he's afforded," Bloom said.

Anyone with information on possible child abuse is urged contact Detective Ian Simpson at (352)3683586.

He has 100 plus pages of complaints of sexual abuse, physical abuse and on and on since 2010 and still he was promoted within Lowell.

Marshana's Story

Dia's Story

Dia spent 21 years in the Florida prison system.

Silent No More!

The first silent protest a Lowell 3 weeks ago.

One of the banners for protest No. 2 at Lowell on Oct 19.  Many more women

have joined.  This was started by former inmate Deborah Bennett who spent over 20 years

at Lowell for having  oxy's.

Rose's Story

Rose was incarcerated at Lowell in Ocala.

Left a Quadriplegic Due to Beating by Guards

Quadriplegic inmate paralyzed in beating sues state Corrections department over injuries

A lawyer for a female inmate who was brutally beaten by staff at Lowell Correctional Institution and is now a quadriplegic is asking a federal judge to intervene so they can document the extent of her injuries in her pending lawsuit against the state.

Cheryl Weimar, 51, who has a history of mental illness and physical disabilities, is being cared for in a hospital in Ocala, near Lowell, the state's main prison for women and the largest women's prison in the nation.

The Department of Corrections has refused to let Tallahassee lawyer Ryan Andrews or his team take photos of Weimar since the Aug. 21 attack, first reported by the Miami Herald. 

“We’re allowed to see her but not photograph her,” Andrews said. “If she was in prison we would need a court order to take photos but she’s in a hospital. What is the security risk?” 

Andrews filed an emergency motion this morning with U.S. Judge Mark Walker in the Northern District of Florida seeking permission to take photos and videos of Weimar’s injuries. He noted that English television personality Piers Morgan was recently allowed in Lowell to interview inmates for a documentary on female killers.

"The hypocrisy of preventing access to document my client's condition with pictures and videotapes, is especially apparent when Piers Morgan was able to enter Lowell CI to film a Netflix special that fetishizes women killers, but pictures of my client who was brutally beaten by (FDC) employees is not permitted," Ryan said.

An investigation into the beating is under way with the Florida Department of Law Enforcement as lead investigative agency and help from the FDC Office of Inspector General, spokeswoman Michelle Glady said. 

“We recognize that preliminary reports from this incident are concerning. We’re committed to examining all the details regarding this situation and ensuring appropriate action is taken,” FDC Secretary Mark Inch said.

Meanwhile, Glady said, the officers involved "have been reassigned to posts that do not have contact with inmates, pending the outcome of this investigation."

Information related to the incident is limited while the investigation is ongoing, she said.

"When the investigation is complete, the report will be made available to the public," Glady added.

As far as the lawsuit goes, the FDC hadn't been served yet and couldn't comment on pending litigation, Glady said.

Cheryl Weimar (Photo: Florida Department of Corrections)

In the lawsuit filed by Andrews Tuesday in the U.S. Northern District of Florida, the Aug. 21 attack on Weimar was graphically described: Four guards beat her within an inch of her life and broke her neck.

“She is now a quadriplegic because of the Defendants’ excessive use of force,” the lawsuit said. 

Her injuries are so extensive she can’t talk or move, Andrews told the Democrat. He had to resort to communicating with her via the alphabet because of a tracheostomy tube.

They are seeking damages that her civil rights were violated under the Eighth Amendment protection against cruel and unusual punishment, the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Rehabilitation Act of 1973.

The lawsuit also names Karl Weimer, Cheryl’s husband. He brings a claim for loss of consortium.

Cheryl Weimar has been an inmate since January 21, 2016, and was due to be released Feb. 9, 2021. She was convicted of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and sentenced to six years, 8 months and 28 days .

Weimar complained that she couldn’t perform her task assignment to clean toilets because she had a hip condition well documented by prison officials, and declared a medical emergency. Prison policy requires staff to call medical personnel once an inmate declares a medical emergency.

Instead, one of the guards got angry with her and a confrontation followed, the lawsuit said.

The confrontation escalated, and Weimar declared an "inmate psychological emergency," the lawsuit said. One or more officers slammed Weimar to the ground, beat her with blows to her head, neck and back, the complaint said.

After they beat her, the defendants dragged her “like a rag doll to a nearby wheelchair, allowing her head to bounce along the ground along the way,” the complaint said.

The complaint alleges the four officers dragged her outside the compound where they continued to beat her in an area not covered by surveillance cameras.

Besides breathing through a tracheostomy tube, Weimar is being fed through a PEG tube, and will likely require around-the-clock medical care for the rest of her life, the complaint said.

“This malicious and sadistic beating of the defenseless plaintiff… caused Cheryl Weimar to suffer life-threatening and permanent injuries,” the complaint said.

Evie's Story

Evie was incarcerated at Lowell C. I in Ocala, Florida.  She went in at 16 as a youthful offender but was charged as an adult.  

Update on Sadie

Hi everyone!

Sorry this update has taken so long but was busy advocating for my daughter and prison reform.

Last October Sadie got moved to Gadsden Correctional Facility in Quincy, FL.  This is a private prison and what a difference!  She got booted from Lowell because I was a pest : ).  Thank goodness.  Gadsden has tons of programs, an excellent rec program with a track.  Barbecues every once in awhile for the women.  Sadie has never seen anyone pepper sprayed or excessive use of force.  Guards are still guards-no respect for other human beings but this prison is light years ahead of Lowell.

It took awhile for Sadie to adjust because she was so institutionalized at Lowell and paranoid all the time.

She is in the service dog training program and teaches yoga.  I NEVER worry about her at Gadsden.  I can finally relax and sleep at night.

But things are getting worse at Lowell.  4 guards just broke a woman's neck and she is paralyzed from the neck down.  She was a disabled 51 year old woman.  She now has a lawyer.  The guards have, as of yet, not been charged.  We'll see.  Former inmates and families did a silent protest outside of Lowell a couple of weeks ago and another is planned.  They were on the news.

Lots is happening.  Lot of the abuse is being talked about in news articles and several representatives and some senators are pushing for criminal justice reform.  Baby steps.

Criminal justice reform is happening all around the country because the way we treat our brothers and sisters who are incarcerated is inhumane and unconscionable and as a nation and humans we should be better than that.

Me

Sadie and her dog Kiri

Updates and Unnecessary Death

Well, it's been awhile since writing.  I have been extremely busy being an activist and advocate for incarcerated women.  Always trying to rally the troops. Eventually we are going to organize a March for Incarcerated Women.

Nothing has changed at Lowell, the prison where Sadie is.  Lowell is the largest women's prison in the country.  It continues to be fraught with abuse, medical neglect and at times the harshest of conditions when the air goes out, the hot water goes out for weeks and now they have decreased visitation to bi-monthly.  There are many petitions and letters to Tally protesting this.  They say it is due to contraband from visitors when, in reality, we all know that most of the contraband comes in from the guards.

A young girl died their recently due to medical neglect and Lowell trying to cover it up.  Many women die at Lowell but you never know because there are no obits, no newspaper articles and no oversight.  Almost every incarcerated woman has seen a friend die from medical neglect at all the women's prisons in Florida.  I am inserting a letter from an inmate about the death of the young girl who died.  They told the family she died in her sleep.  The inmates have another story.

Sadie is doing well.  She still works canteen and is a beacon of light and hope for other inmates.  She always walks a fine line.  In prison you can go to jail on a whim and lose your gain time just because a guard may be having a bad day so you can never truly relax.  All the women I have talked to that have been out for years still suffer from PTSD.  One women recently likened it to being in battle.  She said your sleeping soundly and then your bed is kicked hard, lights come on and someone is throwing everything you own (which is not much) around.  They all say the clinking of keys causes them anxiety, having a police car drive behind them sends them into a panic.  Loud noises scare them.  And it goes on and on.  No human being should be treated like an animal robbed of dignity, self-worth and hope.


So recently a former federal PD and I have done a couple small public venues with statistics and information about inmate abuse.  People are always shocked and appalled.  Inmates truly are the lost and forgotten yet most of them will all get out someday and possibly be your neighbor.  They pay for the rest of their lives.  We shun them, judge them and don't allow them jobs or housing.  And yet we consider ourselves compassionate, empathetic and forgiving human beings.  If it's not your loved one in the abyss of hell not your problem-right?

We can learn a lot about ourselves when we look at the way we treat fellow human beings who made mistakes-just as we all have.  ALL OF US.  Until it happens to your loved one you will never understand unless you are a person of compassion, empathy and forgiveness.

About her death:

My Experience As A Mom with an Incarcerated Daughter

I thought that as time went on things would get easier but it never does.  To know that your daughter is in an environment where she is just "inmate" and there is such disregard for her as a human being wears on you even when you think it's not, or try to be positive.

I am also astonished and disheartened at the general public's response to the incarcerated-"they deserve bad food and to be treated badly", "they should not have gotten themselves in there", "they should have made better choices" and on and on.  God forbid that anyone of them ever made a mistake or a bad choice.  Believe me everyone is a bad choice away from being incarcerated with all the laws we have today.  Most are in for drug issues, mental health issues.  And the way the rules are you can be charged with a violent crime even though there was no violence.  I know many women, esp young women, in my daughter's prison who are "guilty by association".  They either did not know a crime was being committed or they knew and were afraid to tell but did not participate in the crime.  They are serving life sentences.  My daughter said that these are the women they need to let out.  So, that's how easy it is to get into the criminal justice system.  And if anyone thinks it cannot happen to them or someone they love, think again.  There are many many people who are incarcerated who are innocent because of prosecutorial misconduct, an uninformed jury and basically a broken criminal justice system. 

And then your sentence depends on the mood of the judge.  He or she could be having a bad day and you will receive a harsher sentence.  And then there are mandatory minimums for drug offenses that can be 10 years for a first time offense.

If my daughter was in an environment that was positive and focused on rehabilitation and helping these broken women make better choices and if they had programs that build self-esteem and self-worth and that continued upon their release I would be so much less worried.  Instead they are talked to with great disrespect, humiliated, degraded and then expected to be your wonderful, well-adjusted neighbor.

I could go on and on but I won't because I'm tired and at this point feeling pretty hopeless that anything will really change.  The women go in damaged and they come out more damaged and why we are not all outraged is beyond me. 

They shackle women during childbirth.  There is no compassion or empathy for women who are ill.  The medical in prison does as much as they can possibly get away with to not treat the women-"do no harm" does not apply to inmates that is for sure. 

That's all for now.

The Response to My Email

Ms. Carlin,

Thank you very much for your email and for the opportunity to respond.  Your recommendations are not taken lightly.  We frequently discuss similar topics and how staff/inmate interaction significantly impacts behavior.  We have several pilots lined up to evaluate this further and to place inmates willing to change, in environments designed to maximize their potential, both while incarcerated, and upon their release.    

Thank you again for your email.

We Have Been Busy and My Email

We are still trying to get into the blogger rhythm again.  Sadie is starting to write again to send it to me.  I have joined Fl-Cure, a prison reform organization.  Here is a copy of an email I sent yesterday to the warden and the higher-ups in Tallahassee.  I have sent about 300 emails since my daughter has been incarcerated (finally counted them).  Nothing has changed that much because, in reality, the guards are the problem and the lack of relevant rehabilitation programs..  There are a few nice ones, but most are not.  Below is the email and the link is at the bottom.

I am assuming DOC wants to reduce the high recidivism rates and to give inmates the opportunity to do well once they are released.

The article below lists all the reasons why former inmates do not tend to do well on the outside especially without a good support system.

My first question is why do the officers address the inmates as inmate instead of by their last name or at least ma'am and sir.  What is the rationale behind that.  That practice alone is demoralizing, psychologically damaging and in truth psychological abuse.  It gives the message that you are worthless and that you don't matter which gives the officers permission to treat inmates accordingly with verbal abuse and a lack of civility, empathy and compassion.  How is that conducive to rehabilitation and the reduction of recidivism? This may seem like a minor issue, but it is, in actuality, a huge issue.  Have someone call us by a derogatory term day in and day out and see how that effects us. 

I know I have sent articles about the prison system in Germany where they have a humane and rehabilitative approach to incarceration where the officers are well-trained, are mentors who mingle with the inmates and dine with them.  They have officers who are trained in how to calm situations down without violence or aggression.  So, it can be done.  And if Germany is able to do it, there is no reason on earth that we cannot begin to follow suite.

The only reason we are here on this planet is because of Love-to learn to love ourselves and each other.  We all make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them.  Inmates are redeemable and most of them are good human beings who made bad decisions mostly due to addiction issues or mental health issues. Their situation gives us the opportunity to practice empathy, compassion and forgiveness-attributes the prison system is lacking and that has to change if we truly want the recidivism rate to go down.  My personal feeling is after talking with other families and former inmates is that until the guards are trained better, are held accountable for their behavior and the inmates are not afraid to speak up for fear of retaliation or being placed in confinement, nothing is going to change.  

I know I must sound airy-fairy but I am speaking to the heart of each of you.  How would you want your loved one to be treated under these circumstances?  These are our brothers and sisters and we are all on a journey towards our Creator.  Life is short and our job is to make life better for each other which includes the inmates.  I have met a lot of former inmates and I am impressed by what good-hearted and decent human beings they truly are.  There are always those who will never learn or change but they still deserve out love and support.

And we need funding to actually create the relevant programs that will build their self-worth and self-esteem so they are confident in their abilities when they transition out.  We also need better pay and a higher standard for officers.

Sincerely,

Kathy Carlin

http://www.tgorski.com/criminal_justice/cjs_pics_&_relapse.htm

Written by a Mom after Hurricane Irma

“Hunkered Down in Hell-Weathering the Storm in Prison

 

  Most people have never thought about a loved one being stuck in a prison with an impending catastrophic storm coming. Quite frankly, I hadn’t thought about it either until now.

The weekend of Labor Day I wasn’t scheduled to visit my daughter, but I did. I knew the following weekend the Florida prisons would be on lockdown and who knows for how long. There was an impending Category 5 storm with winds of 185 MPH out there heading for the Caribbean Islands and Florida. Her name was Irma.

She was approximately 500 miles wide. To put that in perspective, Florida’s peninsula is only about 180 miles wide. I’m a native Floridian originally from south Florida where I spent most of my life until moving to central Florida three years ago, so I’m no stranger to hurricanes. I’ve experienced Hurricane Wilma and the outskirts of Hurricane Andrew and many close calls. The difference with Irma was her enormous size and the amount of time she stood strong as a Cat 5. She was coming to the Caribbean Islands and Florida with a vengeance. To look at her as a satellite image, she was perfect looking. Not perfect in a good way, but she was a perfect storm. She was an array of beautiful colors…red, yellow, green, black and purple. Her eye was strong and her bands resembled a beautiful Indian headdress. I’ve always found hurricanes scary, yet fascinating. She kept all of Florida waiting in apprehension of which path she’d take, and the reality is that she was so large she put the whole state in danger.

With all the past storms I’ve faced, I’ve always prepared for my family. This one I was preparing for was without my daughter. I did know that she would be fine because of her location and that the storm would die down by the time it reached her. There are approximately 97,000 people incarcerated in the state of Florida, and with the impending doom, approximately 12,000 inmates were successfully evacuated according to the FDC. My daughter was moved out of her dorm to make room for transferees. All prisons went into lockdown mode. Some were moved to locations the authorities thought best. One of the facilities in the very southern area of Florida was not. Perhaps they thought it was a strongly built facility? Whatever the case, there is no say so for your family’s safety. It was a feeling of helplessness from the family members with loved ones in that facility. They would be left to worry about each other separated by a world of its own, prison. Evacuations and disaster preparedness is not in your hands, and when you think about it, there’s only so many places they can shelter prisoners. We would like to think prisons are fortresses. They are not. They are old and dilapidated, and their upkeep is not treated as a priority.

The hurricane came through Cudjoe Key and then through Marco Island taking a westward track up through Florida. Us Floridians know that the NE side of the hurricane is the “dirty side”. This means tornadoes and flash floods. Would it flood into the prison and they get trapped? There would be nowhere to go. I couldn’t help but to wonder what they’d do in that case. I mean where would they go? I can’t say exactly what time it was, but in my area, it started Sunday night into Monday morning, September 10th and 11th, 2017. The lights went out followed by howling winds that rattled your roof and doors. Not many were sleeping in the state of Florida that night.

The next couple of days consisted of clean up, no electricity, and running water was on and off and on again. I figured I wouldn’t hear from my daughter right away, but that turned into four days. Then she finally called! I was glad to hear her voice and she was worried about us, so she was relieved too. Her facility was overcrowded but she was okay, and the rest of the transferees were transferring back to their prisons that day. I was grateful.

I checked in with my network of families who have loved ones in prison, and many had not heard from the southern-most women’s prison. We knew it was hit hard there, and it became very concerning. Then finally six days later they heard from them. Their loved ones were crying on the other end. They had part of the roof fly off while stuck in their dorms as they were flooding. Then no electricity, a/c or fans, and no windows to let a breeze come in. Some inmates were stealing food while in total darkness causing fights to break out. There were some in solitary confinement left in temperatures of over 100 degrees. They began to wonder if they were going to die from this storm. Even before the storm I could not believe that with such a major evacuation, this prison was left behind. They described this past week as a living Hell.

We are still in hurricane season. We will keep our fingers crossed.

Written by an incarcerated woman in Florida

Under Siege

 

     The "Uprising" - a term used by a group or species that have been oppressed beyond their limitations that are prepared to rise above.  Prepared to go the distance for equality.
     This fear has permeated the FL DOC statewide and as I write this, the entire state of Florida prisons are on, at the very least, a Level II lockdown.  An entity held hostage by their fear of retribution for their participation in the violations of truth, justice and human dignity.
     Mass incarceration equates to a HATE CRIME affecting some 2.3 million people and their loved ones in the U.S.  The driving force for this is Corporate America colluding with our government-how far we have fallen as a nation founded on liberty to engage in such an atrocity as imprisoning its people for profit; but that is the cold hard truth of this business.  CEO's and corporate executives of the Prison Industrial Complex receive six, seven and eight figure salaries with stock options and bonuses all on the taxpayers dime for services provided to inmates.
     Does this make you feel safer?  Well it shouldn't because the lies perpetuated to enforce this crime against persons were slogans like "tough on crime", "clean up our streets", "make America safer" and the "war on drugs" which has undeniably been proven wrong.  The recidivism rate in Florida is 33% within three years and increases to 65% after five years.  And the more people you lock away, the more privileges, care and civil rights are stripped away as well.
     For some the winds of change are whispering, "there's nothing more I can lose" throughout a sub-culture of greed and power.  Because to witness the warehousing of people you need not look further than the approximate 3,000 sq. ft. of space shared by 86 people to sleep, gather, bathe and function.  The rural areas of Florida are peppered with entire compounds of these prisons to create jobs and stimulate the economy.  Where does a prison population of 100,000 or so find relief in this environment of too long and too harsh sentences and lack of real rehabilitation? 
     The Prison Industrial Complex aptly resonates what it has become for there is no rehabilitation, no structured discipline and no attitude of betterment or change.  There is, however, plenty of degradation, humiliation to accompany you throughout your prison stay.  Aren't we better than that? 
     There are no psychological exams or physical training required to become a correctional officer: a back door into law enforcement, filled with questionable motives as to why this field is a career choice.  With the requirements so minimal the keepers are often less trained, educated and experienced in life than the kept and who tout their authority with abandon which has led us to today with a society oppressed by ignorance, greed and power and on the verge of an UPRISING.

We're Back!

Hi everyone,

I took the summer off and will begin to resume posting.

Kathy

Growth, Fantasies and Hope

This will be the last post until August as I am going to the West Coast for a couple of months to visit family-Mom.

My higher self, the universe, God-put me here.  I needed this.  I don't know if I would have ever reached the point where I am now within myself as quickly-if ever.  I was too steeped in my denial of my addictions.  I am becoming who I was always meant to be.  I saw the opportunity for growth and I ran with it in the most negative of places-prison.  I am more clear now than I have been in my entire life.  I know who I am and I love who I am with all my faults and attributes.  I get it.  I get life.  And I love life now-even amidst the chaos of my environment.  For the first time in my life, I don't want to leave it.  I tried to end my life several times before my incarceration and when I first went to jail.  As many times as I tried to leave this earth and did not succeed, God must have a plan for me. 

So, I have been questioning this experience.  Life is a series of experiences.  What matters is what you learn from them.  So, I am in the experience of prison.  I have grown and learned.  So, lately, I have thought-what do I do now?  Do I just walk around these prison grounds being my best self and sharing light and love?  It may sound funny to some of you, but that's ok.  Is this what my experience is to be for the next 11 years?  Then I remind myself that it doesn't matter where I am-the journey is within me.  My human side feels my experience is becoming exhausting-the negativity, the chaos, the noise, the food, the abuse.  There is nothing positive going on here.  This experience has become stagnant.  The only thing changing around here is the guards.  And the change that happens with each new admin-warden.  Sometimes, they are stricter-sometimes not.  Every shift is different in the way they approach inmates so you never quite know where you stand.

I mean, can we just get some damn colored pencils.  Geez!  We all sit here and our creative yearnings are squashed and we have not much to do.  I am lucky, I work canteen every day but a lot of the inmates have no jobs and end up using drugs like suboxone which is a big problem.  Escape.  Who wouldn't want to escape the nightmare your living?  Especially the lifers.  I don't judge them.  For me, at some point, I will be going home and I have a daughter and I don't want my time here wasted to only end up where I began. 

The funny thing is I am happy and at peace within myself.  I go through things but not for very long.  My untreated medical issues cause me concern and mom has advocated for me over and over but still not getting the medical help you would get on the outside.  This happens to all the women here.  Very few staff in medical care about inmates.  They use their status as a way to dominate, control, belittle.  I worked at a hospital as a patient tech before coming here and was on my way to becoming an RN and I would never dream of treating a patient like I and other women have been treated here and no one cares-no one on the outside does anything.  I have seen the doctors retaliate against inmates who complain too much or their family complains too much.

Will my appeal be granted and I go back to court?  Will they transfer me to a different prison and do another 5 years with a new experience?  Or will I stay here and gain more knowledge?  I cannot allow life to become stagnant.  I dream of the day I get out and I can make a change for the better for those left behind. 

We all have moments when we fantasize about the "free world".  We joke about all the things we might still do when we get out-like washing our underwear in the shower, cooking everything in one bowl, selling a spot in the Walmart line.  This morning I was really in my thoughts about the free world.  I was envisioning going to a convenience store and picking out a drink-what kind of drink as so many choices?  My first thought was-don't spend the money: don't need it.  I know I am going to be paranoid about spending money as money here is very tight and you know your family is sacrificing for you to make things a little easier.  I feel for the inmates who get nothing ever-so sad.  I dream about living in a studio apartment which would feel like luxury to me.  Having 2 towels-wow!  I think about being in a relationship with a man.  I haven't had one since the love of my life died from a drug overdose 12 years or so ago.  I wonder what it would be like to date.  To be attracted to someone and have it be mutual.  What it would feel like to just hang out with someone you like-or even love.  Do fun things.  If I am not able to go back to court I will be 54 when I get out and I will still be able to have a life and do all the things I dream of.  Many women in here will never get to experience any of that ever again.  There are relationships in prison-borne from a need for intimacy and sharing but they are tenuous and fraught with issues. 

I try not to get my hopes up about my appeal.  We did get some good news.  The appeal judges did agree that my judge should have recused herself and that my lawyer did put the request for recusal in on time so someone is actually looking at my case but you try not to get your hopes up.  Just waiting for an answer.  If it happens that my time gets reduced I can't even imagine.  Too hard to talk about.  So many hopes in here get squashed. 

I appreciate any and all of you who read my words.  Not a lot of people here listen.  I think it is because to share how we really feel and what is really going on inside is too painful to think about.  Please send myself and all of us love and light on this very difficult journey.  Everything happens for a reason and that reason is to learn about love, compassion and forgiveness.  I think mostly to learn to love ourselves, feel compassion for ourselves and to forgive ourselves so that we can spread it to others.

See you in August.

Medical, 8th Amendment, Yoga and Service

Well, I have been on the new compound now for awhile and I like it.  No gates-more relaxed and my job is less stressful.  The canteen set-up is different and I am appreciated more.  Inmates are more polite. 

I had put in a transfer for another prison-smaller with a dog program but I cancelled it because they told me I can't transfer to a faith-based prison.  So, I am going to stick it out on this compound for a year or two and then attempt another transfer.

I finally made it to the outside cardiologist (thank you mom).  Outside medical trips are no fun!  We have to be black-boxed-our feet are shackled and we have cuffs.  Then a black box gets attached between the cuffs and the runs a long chain thru it that wraps around your waist so your hands can only move about 5 inches.  Good luck if your nose starts to itch.  It hurts after awhile and the cuffs make deep indentations on your wrists so you spend your ride either waiting for your hands to go numb or you continually adjust your hands the entire ride.  It is approximately a 1 1/2 hour ride.  It is a men's facility but it is also where speciality medical doctors are for the incarcerated.  They do surgeries and house men and women who are recovering.  When we walk through the facility the men inmates act like animals.  They make sexual gestures and kissy-faces.  They stare and gawk.  It is very annoying and very uncomfortable.  It took about 4 hours before I was seen by the doctor.  He set me up with a heart monitor to wear for 24 hours and then said we'll schedule you for a stress test.  We got back to the compound at 3:30 pm and had left at 3:30 am.  Medical said I had to spend the night in the infirmary when the doctor had said that he wanted me to resume my normal duties so he could get an accurate reading.  Can't argue with medical or you get put in jail.  So I laid in bed the whole time until the next morning when a nurse called the doctor and he told them I needed to be doing activities (like I told them).  You would think the medical staff would have an understanding of heart monitors!  So me and the other girls in the infirmary stayed up all night watching TV in a comfortable bed.  I could live in the infirmary-no noise, TV, cordless phone, comfortable bed, good shower and great sink for washing clothes!  It is sad that people are dying in there.  They just rushed a girl to the hospital.  They said she had scarlet fever.  She had strep throat that went untreated and her face swelled up beyond recognition.  They couldn't get it under control.  Anyway, so I actually slept in until 8am which I hadn't done in years.  So, after the doctor confirmed that I needed to be doing my regular activities I only had 2 hours left on my monitor. 

The good part of it was the sweet ladies in the infirmary.  One just had a breast removed and one was having respiratory problems-but they were a delight.  I hope the girl with untreated strep throat makes it.

My mom recently read me a response from my blog.  It made me cry.  She wrote so beautifully.  I never have any idea how people feel about our blog.  Whoever you are in Canada, thank you for your compassion and kind words-it keeps me motivated and inspired.

I have been sharing my story a lot lately.  Other inmates think I have been down for years and years and always ask me when I am getting out.  I am going on 6 years.  Then they ask why I am in prison.  So, have been sharing a lot.  Drug addiction causes a lot of bad choices.  I wish I had known then what I know now.

My post-conviction appeal is floating out there.  I want to go back to court so bad.  I want to get out there and start my activism for the women left behind.  I want to make a difference.  Maybe you will see me on TV someday advocating for prison reform.  I want to share these women's stories and get them the attention they deserve-to at least be seen as a woman, a mother, a daughter, a sister: not just a number.  It has already been proven that when you calla person Inmate and dehumanize them, it is much easier for guards to abuse them.  Plus it is so demeaning.  My name is Sadie- a name my mom gave me after watching a Barbara Streisand movie. 

Most of the women have battle scars from being incarcerated-most came in with their own scars from life.  You all need to stand up and hold out open arms with love and help make a change to the system.  What needs to be changed first?  The point system.  It is ridiculous.  What is considered a violent crime?  They need to have a committee that goes through the case of every woman incarcerated for 10 years or more and see if any revisement is necessary.  Women who are poor have no access to lawyers to help with their cases.  I think anyone planning a career in criminal justice should spend 30 days in prison so they get a clear idea of where they are really sending these women and men.  What happened to the 8th amendment-no cruel and unusual punishment.  Being demeaned, yelled at, humiliated, eating non-nutritious food, lack of proper medical care, no hope for parole for lifers, no substantial rehab programs for preparation to return to the outside and on and on.  I would consider that cruel and unusual punishment.  The system is broken and a broken system produces broken individuals.  Not to mention returning to a broken society and a broken government.  All I ask is that you add love and light to the world by being of service to your fellow human being. 

Next day:

It's loud!  One room with 86 women. 

I now teach yoga for 2 hours on Mondays at the wellness center.  It is going well.  The girls love it.  We have such a good time.  They seem to be very dedicated.  I wish I could teach it all the time.  Yoga is my life.  It keeps me centered, grounded and spiritually connected-and healthy. 

So big news today.  I think I explained previously that I put in a proposal for Hobby Craft with the warden's permission.  They had knitting, crocheting, drawing and painting 20 years ago.  I have proposed it to every admin that comes here only to get shot down.  My canteen boss told me today that the warden called her for pricing for all the hobby crafts and said the warden is all about pushing it to get it approved by the higher ups.  This is huge!  Trying not to get my hopes up.  The prison has not seen any type of craft or colored pencils for the general population for 2 decades and they wonder why it is all about smoking, fighting and shopping as there is nothing else to do.  Even if we only get colored pencils, I will be happy.  One thing about me, I don't believe in NO.  You just have to keep trying.  My patience is insane now.  I can wait for years for things now having been in prison where nothing happens now. 

While I was sitting here writing, a girl hit another girl in the face.  I am so used to it, it did not even phase me.  That is what prison life does to you.  You become numb to chaos and violence.  Even if you wanted to get involved, you run the risk of violence towards you or getting put in confinement with them.

So, my mom visited this last week-end and was expressing disappointment for her GOFundMe account for summer packages for indigent women.  It is one thing to complain about the treatment of inmates, it is another thing to actually do something.  Ever since I have been incarcerated my family has donated games, puzzles, rec equipment, colored pencils and color books to the wellness center at my old compound because DOC does not fund for recreation.  No one had donated in years-probably because they did not know they could.  Inmates were putting together puzzles that no longer had all of the pictures on them, basketball hoop with no basket balls and so forth.  Then some other families started donating also.  My family has used their own money to fund 3 to 7 inmates each package time.  My mother does the GoFundMe so they can help more people and she is getting short on funds having to pay for my lawyers and supporting me in prison.  She lives on a fixed income but is all about helping the less fortunate.  My sister always gets one package for an indigent woman.  You have no idea what those packages mean to an indigent woman.  It means, someone out there cares about me.  Mom gets the most beautiful thank you cards.

If you feel so inclined her website is www.inmateslivesmatter.net and there is a link to the GOFund and we also have a list of indigent inmates to help directly.

The other thing you can do which my mom and some other women have done is send 10 assorted cards and envelopes (Dollar Tree) and stamps as the indigent inmates can trade them for toiletries.

When these women get their packages that they have never gotten you should see their faces when their name is called.  It is like they won The Price Is Right.  They cry and get confused and are not sure what to do.  Now we ask them what they need so we can be more specific to their needs.  Radios with ear phones are always a big deal.  Music calms the soul.

I feel if I have more than I need, then I need to share.  I give away my old clothes (most inmates sell them), my shoes and an indigent woman does my laundry so she can get some things she needs.  I leave little gifts here and there.  I am not trying to toot my own horn but to share how much it means to be of service when possible.

We are all on the same journey.  Earth is our schoolhouse to learn about being better human beings and most of all to be of service.  One day we will all be 6 feet under and when we go to the others side and have our life review what will it say about our time on earth.  It is not a judgement but a learning process.  I never believed in hell, fire and brimstone.  I believe in Love.  Take care everyone.

TA's, Wellness Center, We Are All Valuable

The officers do not get paid well.  When you hire anyone who has a GED or HSD, you wouldn't have to pay them well it seems.  When they get here it is a rude awakening and they have no training to deal with it.  They are called T.E.A's or as we call them T.A's which are officers in training. 

So here is how it works with "officers".  Say you are 18 and looking for a job and you want to get out of your parent's house (I have been told that).  Oh look!  Department of Corrections is hiring.  Let me sign up!  DOC says "here guy, put on this uniform that looks just like a real officer's uniform" and we are going to let you work on the prison grounds even though you have zero training.  Work on the compound for 5-6 months, see if you like it.  If you do, we will even put you thru school-called the Academy.  After the Academy we will test you and if you pass your tests, we will attach a can of real pepper spray to your uniform.  Oh, but don't worry if you don't pass the Academy we will let you try again.

So, what we have on the compound are many T.E.A.'s, T.A.'s for short.  Young kids, looking for a job, with no training, running around in an officer's uniform.

Now, we are always understaffed.  ALWAYS.  To fill bodies they allow the T.A.'s to run things.  T.A's are never supposed to be unsupervised.  HA! HA! HA!. That makes me laugh just reading that.  These T.A.'s with no training are running the compound!  They have no clue how to call on their radios, what buttons to push in the bubble, which way the chow hall is or what to do when a fight breaks out.  Who trains them?  WE DO!  The inmates do.  They don't even know what security level they are working.  They don't know how to call count or where to call it into.  And with our admin turn-around no warden stays long, or assistant warden or colonel.  Last admin was here for a year.  I mean really!  And they want to take it all out on us.  No wonder the inmates are harder to control.  Nobody takes these people seriously.  Can you imagine an 18 y/o telling a 65 y/o what to do?  Every new admin comes with a new idea of control and focuses on the wrong things, let's T.A.'s run things. Nobody respects them and inmates do not take them seriously-why?  Because they are all going to leave anyway.  You have got women who have been down for 30, 40 years, staying for life.  They have had everything taken away with nothing left to do but complain and die.

Sound harsh?  Well it is.  Do you know what a difference it would make for women to just be able to pick up a box of colored pencils and a coloring book and go to the metal table and just color.  A simple pleasure-therapeutic.  We are still waiting for an answer on if they will allow colored pencils or Hobby Craft.  At the other compound my family started sending games, puzzles, rec equipment that the inmates had not had in years so they did have Friday night game nights, coloring days at the Wellness Center with colored pencils and coloring books.  It is amazing what can be accomplished if even one person cares.  By the way, we always need those.  The Wellness Center here has not gotten to that point yet as they just opened up and my family donated some yoga mats and exercise equipment.  I teach a 2 hour yoga class on Monday mornings.  When the Wellness Center is more organized and we have an officer in charge all the time, I will let you guys know so you can donate games, puzzles and so forth.  DOC website will tell you about different "programs"-not true.  And no inmate that works gets paid except the canteen workers at 50.00 a month for a 7 day work week.  They expect the women who have lived here longer than anyone will ever work here and have seen DOC change dramatically for the worse-to shut up and be ok.

Not one human should ever live without self-worth or value.

We are all valuable.  You have not a clue about the women here.  You only know what you can look up and believe me that is only part truth.  There is always a back story that you never hear about such as, in my case, they deemed my crack pipe pusher that I happened to have on me a weapon.  An earlier blog explains how and why I got here.  Don't get me wrong there are women who deserve to be here for the rest of their lives because they lack understanding or remorse for what they have done-esp towards children.  But not too many.  The majority that are here for a long time (myself included) have to decide how to do their time.  That is where value comes in.  We get told every day that we are just inmates.  We are treated like meat and are their entertainment.  Being able to control other human beings who cannot defend themselves, tends to bring out the worst in a person.  Look at me, I can degrade this person and there is nothing they can do about it.  Men and women officers alike. 

If you are strong and can overcome the negativity you face yourself and do your best to live a valuable life.  It is the biggest challenge of most of the women here.  And I can tell you a big percentage don't live knowing they are valuable human beings.  A lot fall into the drama of cigarettes, drugs, fighting and money.  Just like the streets but in prison. 

I believe, as I have said before, that prison can be an opportunity to become who you are-a loving and spiritual being.  That is what we all truly are at our core.  We are a spark of the divine.  You can't try and be good and good happens.  No, we are born with love and goodness already within us.  It is just about rediscovering it.  I don't care what anyone says-NO ONE is born bad.  Things happen to cause us to shut down that part of us. 

Humans condition each other.  It's like who decided that some people were ugly?  There wasn't ugly until humans said there was.  Our Creator did not create ugly.  No one is dumber, prettier or better than anyone else.  Humans decided that and look at all the problems it has caused.  We lost our way.  We lost our heart.  We are all equal.

So, being that we are here for something wrong or bad; we need to recondition to ensure those behaviors and thoughts are understood and then retrained to practice better decision making and behavior.  In otherwords, we need to find our way back to our true home inside-back to our heart.  When you come from your heart, you cannot do wrong.  I just wish women here could be mentored and cared about so they can find their way back to themselves.  Instead they are beaten down some more.  Made to feel less than; unworthy of any respect or kindness. 

And by the way we are still doing a GoFundMe (link) for indigent women for summer packages.  Ordering starts May31st.  The info is on my mom's website www.inmateslivesmatter.net.